Household jokes
Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
You’re so short, you could sweep under your bed while standing.
Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
As an orphan, every bag of chips is family size.
How many kids does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently not 343,646 because my basement is still as dark as yours.
My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."
My mom told me to clean the sink, but I couldn’t find you.
My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.
A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."
(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”
And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”
The Tupperware people came to our house. They asked my wife, "Where's the kitchen?"
Sorry, I have only lived here for 3 months, but my jewelry is upstairs in my jewelry box located in my bedroom.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Hit your wife harder.
I don't know why my blind kid is crying, but I think it could be the tacks I put on the couch.
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.
When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer…
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?
Not 15, as my basement's still dark.