Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Cause it's a family company.
A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”
My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."
A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."
How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.
The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.
A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."
Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"
Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.
