History jokes
What do my baby and dinosaurs have in common? They are both dead.
What was purple and conquered the world?
Alexander The Grape.
What's the difference between the baby I just killed and Isaac Newton?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
I invented a time-traveling machine and traveled back to Pangea. I warned the dinosaurs about the deadly asteroid. They told me, "It wasn't an asteroid... it was Pionel Pessi's penalty ball ricocheted from Mars that made them extinct." Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Pessi!
Why did Hitler kill himself? He knew the war was over at the beginning.
Yo mama so old, I bet she was born when dinosaurs were made, and also she killed them with they breath! 😭😭
I heard World War 500000 in my parents'.
What happened when Obama ran for president?
The whole US thought, "Holy hell, it's Osama bin Laden!" Thought he was dead.
Question: What's brown and sitting on the piano bench?
Answer: Beethoven's last movement.
Why do white people carry Confederate flags?
To remind us that they are losers.
Jesus walked, so Mohammad can fly.
Russians think they are tougher than Americans. Here are some reasons for the Russians out here reading this:
1. USA was NEVER invaded!
2. USA never commits as many war crimes as Russia does!
3. USA made the first nuclear weapon so yeah shove that up your ass, Russians!
4. Our soldiers don’t rape kids.
5. We have more allies than you.
6. We are smaller but stronger.
7. Random civilians in the USA have stronger guns than Russian military does!
Why was 10 so scared? Because he was in the middle of 9/11.
Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?
Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!
I smell ice a mile. Titanic, I want to iceberg.
What did the people who cracked the Liberty Bell get for breaking it?
The no-bell prize.
What do you call a knight that has one arm? A first battle night.
What do you call a knight that lost both arms? A two battle useless knight.
What’s heavy, black, and can’t swim?
Ted Kennedy’s Oldsmobile Delmont 88 with Mary Jo Kopechne trapped inside.
Balalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!
"I don't want to go on my at-home history."
- My friend, anon 2019.