History jokes
What was the last thing that went through JFK's mind? A bullet.
What happens when a sink on the Titanic overflows?
It sinks it.
What’s heavy, black, and can’t swim?
Ted Kennedy’s Oldsmobile Delmont 88 with Mary Jo Kopechne trapped inside.
"I don't want to go on my at-home history."
- My friend, anon 2019.
The Titanic basically nominated all the passengers for the ice bucket challenge.
What does the Titanic sell most?
Icebreakers.
What do you call a knight that has one arm? A first battle night.
What do you call a knight that lost both arms? A two battle useless knight.
All of the sudden, if you're Republican, you're racist, and Communism is a symbol of freedom? What happened to the proud men our founding fathers were, damn it!
President: Them damn flat faced n**g*rs!!
Man: We have the power of the sun itself!
President: Drop it on them!
Man: You push the button.
President: *sigh* Fine give it to me.
Man: Hands over button
President: Pushes it
Both: YAAA!
President: Bumps into the button pressing it again
Both: Oh, sh*t!
Meanwhile in Japan after the first bomb went off
Japanese man: Ah sh*t here we go again
How do you kill a Catholic?
Crucify them...
Why did Steven Hawking die?
A quad rasher ran him over.
Why were the people during 9/11 mad? They ordered 2 sausage pizzas, but instead they got 2 plane pizzas.
When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”
What was the last thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
Lololol get it? They fell from like 100 feet.
Q: What did Jesus say when he got nailed to the cross?
A: Owwww!!!!!
They asked JFK Jr. if he wanted to shower before his flight. He said, "No, I'll just wash up on shore!"
Why didn't the 6th of Jan go well? Cause the shitty Trump supporters didn't carry out the damn job correctly and let the president down. Also, hang Mike Pence!
Why are Americans bad at chess? Because they have already lost two towers.
Q: Why do women only use their lefts?
A: Because they don't have any rights.
I was at the beach today, and there was a big wave.
Somebody went, "Damn, that crashed harder than the Twin Towers." Jack may have survived the towers, but not the crash.