History jokes

What do you call the Illuminati when they take over the world and control everything?

The Jew World Order.

My grandpa was a great pilot, but he died on September 11, 2001.

Why did Hitler say "nein"? Because he just got raped, bitch!

Who are the fastest readers? Nine-eleven victims, because they fell through 720 stories in under 10 seconds.

A man was raping a woman and thought the year was 1970, and he exclaimed to the judge later that he was her husband.

She got sent to the Asylum for Hysteria.

Wait, what? Was he actually her husband?

He was a Christian, so that actually meant he was AFTER the rape.

Wait, what? The Bible doesn't say that.

Actually yes, it does, and marital rape was legal until 1990.

WAIT WHAT? That's not funny.

I'll tell ya what's funny, that you think the women have nothing to complain about.

Have you ever had Ethiopian food??

Neither have they.

What did Caesar’s cat say to him?

Nothing. Cats don’t talk.

What do you get when you cross a Cuban and corrupt dictator, Fidel Castro?

9/11.

In fields of gold, where sunshine beams, Monkeys swing and play, it's their dreams. Their fur so soft, their eyes so bright, Picking cotton with delight.

Their little hands so quick and neat, Plucking the cotton, can't be beat. They chatter and laugh, they dance and play, In the fields all day, they'll stay.

Their tails so long, their ears so big, They're quite the sight, it's quite a gig. They're busy as can be, you see, In the fields of cotton, they're free.

So let us marvel at these little thieves, In the fields of gold, they give and receive. Their antics bring us joy and delight, In the fields of cotton, they're always right.

What was purple and conquered the world?

Alexander The Grape.

What do my baby and dinosaurs have in common? They are both dead.

Adolf Hitler

I invented a time-traveling machine and traveled back to Pangea. I warned the dinosaurs about the deadly asteroid. They told me, "It wasn't an asteroid... it was Pionel Pessi's penalty ball ricocheted from Mars that made them extinct." Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Pessi!

Why did Hitler kill himself? He knew the war was over at the beginning.

Yo mama so old, I bet she was born when dinosaurs were made, and also she killed them with they breath! 😭😭

I heard World War 500000 in my parents'.

What's the difference between the baby I just killed and Isaac Newton?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

What happened when Obama ran for president?

The whole US thought, "Holy hell, it's Osama bin Laden!" Thought he was dead.

Question: What's brown and sitting on the piano bench?

Answer: Beethoven's last movement.