Him jokes

Little Johnny's mom got a call from school saying to come over. As she does, she is met by the principal. They go into his office and the principal says, "Your son is going to be suspended for a week for blowing clouds in the bathroom." The mother responds, "He is fifteen, how is he blowing clouds already? Bring him in here." A boy walks in, and Johnny's mother says, "This isn't my son, bring him in here, I would like a word with him." The principal replies, "Ma'am, this is Clouds." The mother faints.

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

Q: Why didn’t Santa eat the milk and cookies you set out for him?

A: He doesn’t exist, you childish sh**!

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

You call him the holy cross. I call it the rejected Smash character.

What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?

Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.

I saw a kid sitting on the curb and I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" "You're parents did."

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

I robbed a person in a wheelchair. He cried and said: "You can run, but you can't hide." I ran, and I never saw him again.

Hitler was the most handsome man alive.

Everyone died for him.

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

Me and a wheelchair person were playing tag, and I broke my leg so it can be fair for him.

The orphan also had to cry because the cartels called him "homie."

Some people say I'm rude, but I think I'm pretty nice because the other day I saw this kid crying on the road and I asked him where his parents were. I just love looking at an orphanage.

How do you make an orphan's hand bleed?

Tell him to clap until his parents come back.

Why did the author go to the emergency room?

His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.

So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"

I got suspended at school today. I lit a kid's wheelchair on fire and called him "Hot Wheels."

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

A twelve-volt battery walks into a tavern and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, and comments, "Now don't start anything."