Him jokes

An Emo walked up to a tree and put his hand up for a high-five.

But the tree left him hanging.

My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

I caught my wife cheating on me.

I beat my son and grounded him.

A Chelsea fan called Timo Werner on his phone to encourage him during his bad form. Timo Werner still missed all the calls.

I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.

A guy entered a library and wanted to get some books to read. He was searching across the books, and the librarian asked him,

Librarian: What are you looking for?

Man: I am looking for a book!

Librarian: Which book?

Man: Facebook.

A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.

The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"

Does your cat scratch you?

Yeah, I need [to] give him payback, but now he won't respond.

Knock knock.

"Who's there?"

A man with a drum.

"Well, tell him to beat it!"

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

How do you get a monkey off the wall?

You jerk him off!

I asked the emo kid if he was depressed that his phone died before him.