Him jokes

How do you make an orphan's hand bleed?

Tell him to clap until his parents come back.

Why did the author go to the emergency room?

His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.

So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"

I got suspended at school today. I lit a kid's wheelchair on fire and called him "Hot Wheels."

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

A twelve-volt battery walks into a tavern and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, and comments, "Now don't start anything."

WARNING: READ THIS JOKE ALOUD!

Was it the pills that stopped his coughing, or was it the coffin they carried him off in?

Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.

They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

To anger a Libertarian lie to him, to anger a Democrat tell him the truth, to anger a Republican sodomize him.

A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."

The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"

The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

Wanna go to suicide school, then time travel to Hitler's bunker and ask him to teach you?

What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."

What's Penaldo's least favorite food?

Indian Murukku, because it reminds him of Morocco! 🤣🤣🤣

Our Human Services Minister is just mad because his wife cheated on him 20 years ago.

With their brother.

My teacher asked me what my favorite number was yesterday, and I said 2977. I chose 91 for my football jersey number and Sharpied a 1 after the other 1, and my teacher Mr. Jackson's dad died in 9/11, and when he was talking about it Friday the 9th, I threw a paper airplane at him and got suspended for 3 days starting Monday.

One day my dog died because we couldn't find him. Then we got a cat on the same day. Then my cat went missing, and when I was crying, we heard our Asian neighbor was having a party. Then we went over and I saw my dog and cat on the grill, and they ate them in front of me, saying "yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well."

Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!