Him jokes

Lore

    • Ok, so let me tell y'all the lore. Basically, what happened was there's these mfs called Rhys and a guy named Mobrur. Mobrur is a fish basically from Bangladesh and Israel, so he's just a fish because he's Netanyahu's cousin, and Liam is from Australia; he's just a white piece of crap.

    Basically, what happened was they knocked up each other because they were drunk and jumping on Netanyahu's beer belly, and it was all just a mess. Rhys is trying to get child support and half property from Fish, but he won't give it because he is nasty and claiming what isn't his, and he said, "No one likes you." So to summarize it, he killed him and is in jail now.

    And there he met Mooha and he turned straight, Alhamdulillah! EVERYONE SAY ALHAMDULILLAH! He became straight, then Mooha got knocked up in prison and the guards beat them and they died.

  • 9

    • Onion

    • Oliver Tree just died in a helicopter crash?

    He doesn't have to worry about that because, according to him, life goes onionionionionionionionionionion.

  • 0

    • Fax

    • An Australian, an American, and a British man are on a golf course.

    They're all on the green and working out their next shot when a phone starts ringing.

    "Terribly sorry," says the Brit, but instead of getting out a phone, he twists his earlobe around to reveal a speaker and opens his bottom lip to reveal a microphone and takes the call.

    The other two are pretty impressed, and the Brit shrugs modestly.

    "State of the art British tech. Surgically implanted. Amazing stuff."

    They get set to resume, but another phone goes off.

    "Ugh, sorry guys," says the American, but instead of taking out his phone, he holds up his hand, taps the palm with his other hand, and it turns into a screen. As the other two watch, the American has a video call.

    When he's finished, the other two are impressed, but the American waves it off.

    "No biggie. Just the latest and greatest in digital communications from the good old US of A."

    Again, the three are about to continue their game when there's a strange, electronic sound and, much to the other two's surprise, the Aussie runs off into the bushes.

    The Brit and the American follow him and soon find the Aussie squatting down in the middle of a clearing, clothes around his ankles, bare-assed and grunting.

    "What the hell..." one of them says, but the Aussie holds up his hand in apology.

    "Sorry fellas, got a fax coming through..."

  • 0

    • Job

    • A gay man enters a bar. At the counter, he sees a skinhead sitting, which he somehow finds cute. He gathers all his courage, goes to the skinhead and whispers to him, "Do you want a blowjob?"

    The skinhead punches the gay man in the face with his fist, causing him to go down. Then he drags him outside into the parking lot and kicks him again with his boots before going back inside and sitting down at the counter.

    "Man," says the bartender, "but you beat him up quite a bit! What did the man even say to you that you were so freaked out?"

    "I don't know," replies the skinhead, "something about a job..."

  • 0

    • Santa Claus

    • Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.

    Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.

    So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.

    Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.

  • 0

    • Charge

    • When the police caught him stealing batteries, he was immediately charged.

    The cops are accusing him of resisting. He's now languishing in a cell, where he is currently awaiting an appearance in Circuit Court.

  • 0

    • Newfoundland

    • A down-on-his-luck Newfoundlander takes a job in Toronto. He hates every minute of it. The housing is overpriced, the traffic a bottleneck. Frustrated, he starts saving every penny until he can buy a car to go home to the outport.

    Eventually someone takes pity on him and offers to sell him a car with no reverse for fifty bucks.

    "I takes it!" the Newfie replies, "because I don't intends on coming back anyway."

  • 0

    • Memory

    • An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"

    The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."

    The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"

    The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"

  • 0