Hell jokes

Boy: Crap, I hit a deer.

Girl: Awe... I guess it’s not so much of a dear.

Boy: ...

Boy: Get the hell out!

A boy named Jimmy was riding to Hell to save his brothers and sister. That is the last place he pissed. There came across the Devil.

Part 1

It ain't always having erectile dysfunction, but it sure as hell ain't hard.

Why did he go to hell? Because he couldn't use the stairs to Heaven.

Do you know what the equivalent to hell is these days?

1. Listening to your teacher.

2. Not having your phone/game/TV.

3. Not having nicotine.

I'm gonna finally put a stop to the fucking drama. I saw people bullying other people for years; Gwen was not the only one. No longer will I put up with this. No longer will newcomers. For God's sake, just do jokes! Please! If you want to bully someone, do it in your family! You people don’t even know each other, but we're still going through this same fucking shit every fucking day! Just make jokes, people! That is why it’s called “Worst Jokes ever” not “Bully people forever.” So shut the hell up and get to joking! Jesus! The only reason why I came here was to spread jokes and kindness like Gwen and others, not to spread hate and foolishness from people who don’t even know better things to do but to hate on stupid strangers from different parts of the fucking world!!!

“Addison, fuck off already, you're only 10 years old. What do you know?” I might be 10, but during my time here, the tragedies and horror I've experienced on this website have shaped me into someone more mature, able to share this wisdom. And if you're gonna laugh at me, spit in the face of me and my generous teachings, you will fall. I swear to God, I will make you wish you could never feel pain. But that would hurt me more than you. Please, stop the drama. That's all I ask. Together, we can make this website great again, like it once was.

A group of Astronauts, a Mechanic, a Pilot, & a Communications operator are on a very important mission to Mars when one of their solar panels gets grazed by a meteorite.

And so the Astronauts quickly assemble in the hull to wait for orders from the ground. Once the Communications operator turned on coms, their man on the ground told the Pilot to continue their course & to send the Mechanic out to fix the problem. As the Mechanic worked on finishing repairing the solar panel, the Pilot & Communications operator told each other dark jokes when out of nowhere a meteorite field appeared! The Ground operator frighteningly shouted "Get him back in the ship!" to the Communications operator. "Chill out, he'll be fine," The Pilot assured him. "Get him the hell out of there, that's an order!" The Ground operator argued. Then thirty seconds later the Communications operator came back from the air shoot & asked, "Now what?"

A politician dies. So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately, you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that, however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"

"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules," says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy disappears...

And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be, right?

"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where are all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is, of course, free, as is the room service, there are extra towels next to the hot tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on-site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbor!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift and walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course is made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2-foot-tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying on important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Gandhi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite and spend the rest of the night making love as they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows and falls into a deep and happy sleep...

And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulfurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks, and the sunshine???"

"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

GBM when he sees Soph (gets a boner) and has sex with Soph but realizes he forgot to put on a condom. Soph: "This is why Arsenal fans are so deluded and retarded."

Normal Fans after they lose the game: Good game, you guys played really well. GBM: "BRO REF WHAT THE BLOODY HELL YOU DELUDED ASS RETARD, OMFG WE LOST BECAUSE OF THIS REF!"

Adapt: Hey Adapt, did you know you're smart? Smart for being retarded. Yo Adapt!! You're so stupid that you gave me your Roblox account info and you said thanks about it!!

Barca fans after the LFC vs Barca game: We bottled it, damn it, we'll win the Copa Del Rey tho. Commie after the LFC vs Barca game: "YOU NEVER WALK ALONEEEEEEEEEE" Normal People: I support only 1 team. Commie: I support Barca, LFC, and AEK!! And I'm the biggest plastic in the server!!

Why did God make the devils die?

God is great!

Nina, you better run to hell. You're going there anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't be mean to Alex!!!!!!!!!!! He is sweet, kind, loving, and protective!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An Australian, an American, and a British man are on a golf course.

They're all on the green and working out their next shot when a phone starts ringing.

"Terribly sorry," says the Brit, but instead of getting out a phone, he twists his earlobe around to reveal a speaker and opens his bottom lip to reveal a microphone and takes the call.

The other two are pretty impressed, and the Brit shrugs modestly.

"State of the art British tech. Surgically implanted. Amazing stuff."

They get set to resume, but another phone goes off.

"Ugh, sorry guys," says the American, but instead of taking out his phone, he holds up his hand, taps the palm with his other hand, and it turns into a screen. As the other two watch, the American has a video call.

When he's finished, the other two are impressed, but the American waves it off.

"No biggie. Just the latest and greatest in digital communications from the good old US of A."

Again, the three are about to continue their game when there's a strange, electronic sound and, much to the other two's surprise, the Aussie runs off into the bushes.

The Brit and the American follow him and soon find the Aussie squatting down in the middle of a clearing, clothes around his ankles, bare-assed and grunting.

"What the hell..." one of them says, but the Aussie holds up his hand in apology.

"Sorry fellas, got a fax coming through..."

Comments of Gwen in her bra!

Jordan Jadoke: Wow such a good looking kid!

Heo: Dude stop! Who the hell got this!

prince/mr tallie: Hey stop!

YOU: Sexy sexy sexxy! How much does she cost!

Kenya Bailey: NOTHING SHE IS NOT A SEX SLAVE SHE IS PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck u Kenya: SHUT UP!

Big Ideas: Do u think I hav a chance with her? Cause if then SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kariah: STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mariah: U GUYS EXPECT PRINCE, HEO, AND KENYA ARE GOOD PEOPLE THAT ARE NOT CHILD MOLESTERS!!!!!!!!!!

Hot: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Fring: I want to take u home all to my self!

Friend: Do you think she likes me?

Me: Yah.

Friend: Really😀😀😀?

Me: Hell no.

Friend: 😥😓😫😭😭😭😭😭😭 You did not have to be so honest.

Satan and the devil are alter egos.

Why did Hellen hate when her dad yelled at her?

Oh wait, she didn’t know! 🤣🤣

What did Satin say to God??

"Bitch, what the fuck you looking at?"

Here are 20 jokes for you:

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them!

How does a bee style its hair? With a honeycomb!

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!

What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!

Why don't eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up!

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be bagels!

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems!

How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots!

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer!

I hope these jokes brought a smile to your face! Let me know if you'd like to hear more.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

Before Marriage Boy: At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No, don't even think about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyy😍

After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.