Health jokes
Why did Susan drop her ice cream? She was hit by a bus.
What's red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing on a razor blade.
What's green and sits in the corner?
Same baby, one week later.
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
What do you call an anorexic blond with a yeast infection?
... A quarter pounder with cheese.
What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?
They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.
What's the difference between dementia and a strawberry?
I don't know. I forgot.
Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off.
I was gonna tell a joke about a dead fetus, but I decided to abort it.
I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.
My doctor told me it was perfectly normal to become aroused or even ejaculate during a prostate exam.
That being said I wish he hadn't!
What do you call it when a lizard can’t get a boner?
Ereptile Dysfunction!
What do you call a skeleton with no bones? A boneless boy.
I tried making vegetable soup yesterday, but I couldn’t fit the wheelchair in the pot.
"Welcome to Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where last week's loss is this week's sauce."
What do you get if you talk to a Down syndrome person face to face at close distance?
Soaked...
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
What do you call a girl skeleton dancing?
A bone-étit.
Kid: I have the corona virus!
Nurse: Here is an ice pack.
I’ve got a joke about Alzheimers.
Um.
Oh no. I can’t actually remember it.
What’s the hardest thing to eat on a vegetable? The wheelchair.