Health jokes

If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀

What do you call it when a lizard can’t get a boner?

Ereptile Dysfunction!

"Welcome to Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where last week's loss is this week's sauce."

I tried making vegetable soup yesterday, but I couldn’t fit the wheelchair in the pot.

What do you call a skeleton with no bones? A boneless boy.

After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

I’ve got a joke about Alzheimers.

Um.

Oh no. I can’t actually remember it.

What do kids with cancer and cancer jokes have in common?

They never get old.

What do you call a girl skeleton dancing?

A bone-étit.

Kid: I have the corona virus!

Nurse: Here is an ice pack.

Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!

But he’s all right now.

What does one boob say to the other boob?

If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.

What do you call an emo cancer kid?

Chemo.

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................

Sometimes a depressed person is antidepression.

Son: Dad, what's a morbid joke?

Father: Walk over to a homeless man and throw a rock at him, then you will know.

Son: But Dad, I don't have arms or legs.

Father: Now you know.

I'm sick of crying; tired of trying; yes, I'm still smiling; inside I'm dying.

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

A midget had a disease, and the cure was on the highest shelf.