Health jokes
Why are you so white?
Because you have no lotion on.
What do you call it when a lizard can’t get a boner?
Ereptile Dysfunction!
A guy with AIDS went into the doctor's room unusually happy. You could even say he was HIV positive.
Why did Mimi cross the road?
She had cancer.
Why didn't the doctor help the orphan?
Because he was a family doctor!
I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨
For Stephen Hawking, why is being drunk and having his power shut out the same?
He blacks out.
Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.
This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!
Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"
Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?
They are more open-minded.
I think we should change Alzheimer’s disease to Joe Biden disease.
I have had an obsession with soap. Don’t worry, I am all clean now!
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.
Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!
Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
Why is Hugh's mum so fucking fat?
Because she ate the 34 other kids she had but now only has 6,789.
My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.
What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?
Standing ovation!
We recently found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.
No one is taking it harder than grandpa.
How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?
She died.
I almost got run over by a car.
For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.