Health jokes

Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off.

If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀

My doctor told me it was perfectly normal to become aroused or even ejaculate during a prostate exam.

That being said I wish he hadn't!

I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?

Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.

I was gonna tell a joke about a dead fetus, but I decided to abort it.

What do you call it when a lizard can’t get a boner?

Ereptile Dysfunction!

"Welcome to Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where last week's loss is this week's sauce."

What do you call a skeleton with no bones? A boneless boy.

I tried making vegetable soup yesterday, but I couldn’t fit the wheelchair in the pot.

After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

I’ve got a joke about Alzheimers.

Um.

Oh no. I can’t actually remember it.

What do kids with cancer and cancer jokes have in common?

They never get old.

What’s the hardest thing to eat on a vegetable? The wheelchair.

Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!

But he’s all right now.

What do you call a girl skeleton dancing?

A bone-étit.

Kid: I have the corona virus!

Nurse: Here is an ice pack.

What does one boob say to the other boob?

If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.

What do you call an emo cancer kid?

Chemo.

A midget had a disease, and the cure was on the highest shelf.

I feel sad because I went to an old man in a wheelchair while he was sitting next to a fire, and I screamed, "Hot Wheels!" 🤣