Health jokes

What do you call an anorexic blond with a yeast infection?

... A quarter pounder with cheese.

Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off.

I was gonna tell a joke about a dead fetus, but I decided to abort it.

What do you call it when a lizard can’t get a boner?

Ereptile Dysfunction!

I tried making vegetable soup yesterday, but I couldn’t fit the wheelchair in the pot.

What do you call a skeleton with no bones? A boneless boy.

"Welcome to Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where last week's loss is this week's sauce."

After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

I’ve got a joke about Alzheimers.

Um.

Oh no. I can’t actually remember it.

Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!

But he’s all right now.

What do kids with cancer and cancer jokes have in common?

They never get old.

Kid: I have the corona virus!

Nurse: Here is an ice pack.

What do you call a girl skeleton dancing?

A bone-étit.

Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.

So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!

Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.

I feel sad because I went to an old man in a wheelchair while he was sitting next to a fire, and I screamed, "Hot Wheels!" 🤣

A midget had a disease, and the cure was on the highest shelf.

I'm sick of crying; tired of trying; yes, I'm still smiling; inside I'm dying.

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

Son: Dad, what's a morbid joke?

Father: Walk over to a homeless man and throw a rock at him, then you will know.

Son: But Dad, I don't have arms or legs.

Father: Now you know.