Health jokes

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

Orphans are like vegans, no one ever remembers the nice ones.

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?

They kill people.

My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.

An eight-year-old girl struggles to breathe as she lies on a hospital bed and waits for the doctor to come. After the doctor comes, he pulls his cock out of her mouth, and she can breathe much better.

My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.

Depression sucks, and so do you.

My anus smells.

Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.

What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"

Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.

I'm sorry your dad beat you instead of cancer.

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

That's what Elliot Rodger did.

God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?

"No."

Yeah, but then he woke up.

Your teeth are so yellow, you spit butter!