Health jokes
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.
One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.
Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"
Jig, Jill, Bill ate a pill.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.
When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming!
What do you call a flat-chested depressed person?
A cutting board.
What’s the best cure for not wanting to go to work?
Suicide.
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.
What do you call a malignant cell in Paris?
A Royale with cancer.
What is a snake's favorite drug?
Adder-all.
Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.
What do we want?!
A cure for Tourette's!!
When do we want it?!
Cunt!!!
What did the doctor say to the orphan?
"I can't help you with cancer, I'm a family doctor!"
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won't eat the broccoli.
I think we should change Alzheimer’s disease to Joe Biden disease.
What’s red, 11 inches, and makes my girlfriend cry when I slap her with it?
Her miscarriage.
Mrs. Mallara's boobs were (69) pounds. She said that was too too too much (69222), so she went to 51st Street (6922251) to visit Doctor X (6922251 x), and the surgery lasted 8 hours (6922251 x 8).
She ended up (the total flipped upside down spells boobless) (=)55378008
Roses are red, my blood is too, And I've been seeing it a lot more, since I've lost you.