Health jokes

Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.

My anus smells.

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

Depression sucks, and so do you.

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hey Donut.

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?

They kill people.

My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had diarrhea.

Orphans are like vegans, no one ever remembers the nice ones.

Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.

What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.

My ex is like AIDS! I can't get rid of him.

My friends:

Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.

Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.

Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.

Me: You guys are getting sleep...

What does an electric-type Pokémon say when they get gassy while drinking milk?

I’m Zaptos intolerant!

So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"

The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."

My grandad broke his legs.

To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.