What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
Amputation Jokes
I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.
A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
I'm stumped.
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake everyday. He had no hands or legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay.
He replied, "No." The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?" The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever." So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked. "No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before." The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?" The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
I have no legs.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of a door?
A: Mat.
After a surgery, a man claimed he couldn't feel his legs. I replied, "Of course not, I amputated your fucking arms!"
A: What did the lawyer say to the amputee?
Q: You haven't got a leg to stand on.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? "Why?" 'Cause she had no arms.
Why did Sally drop a broom? "Why?" 'Cause she had no arms.
Why did Sally go swimming? She didn't like not having arms.
Knock knock. "Who's there?" Not Sally, she hasn't come back yet.
I have a vest. If I cut off my arms, it's a jacket!
Billy got a bike and a soccer ball for his birthday from his uncle, but he was very upset. Why? Because he has no legs.
Why couldn't Sally open the fridge?
Because she had no arms.
"Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? Heβs all right now."
A: What did the podiatrist say to the double amputee?
Q: Sorry, but I can't help you.
Whenever the hungry cannibal performs amputations, he says,
"Thank you for your donation!"
Why can't pirates play cards in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.