Car

Anonymous

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident

An amputation

0

Legs

Ethan

A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”. And the doctor replied, “I know. I amputated you arms.”

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Stump

ZestyN

I’m trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I’m stumped

Rip

Anonymous

What do you call a bad amputation?

A rip off.

Legs

Anonymous

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.

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Legs

Anonymous

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of a door?

A: Mat

Legs

BoomkittyFX

after a surgery, a man claimed he couldn’t feel his legs, i replied “OF COURSE NOT, I AMPUTATED YOUR FUCKING ARMS!”

1

Legs

Michael Palmer

Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says “I have some good news and bad news" so the patient says “What is the bad news?” the Doctor replies “I have had to amputate both your legs” so the patent says “Well what is the good news?” the Doctor replies "I have found someone to buy your slippers”…

Stump

Anonymous

I’m stumped

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Legs

Anonymous

A man wakes up in the hospital and says, “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!” “of course,” the doctor says. “I amputated your arms”

Legs

joke master

a women wakes up in a hospital after a accident and yells “doctor doctor i cant feel my legs” and the doctor say “i know i amputated your arms”

Legs

honeysoda

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!" The Doctor replies, “I know, I amputated your arms.”

Legs

Luke

I have no legs

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Sally

NC

Why couldn’t sally open the fridge

Because she had no arms

Toe

Tammi Wengerd

As I’m lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:

Angel: This won’t last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.

Devil: Did she just twitch?

A: No. She didn’t twitch.

D: I think I saw her finger twitch.

A: Well, even if it did, it’s her thigh the techs are aiming at.

D: She wants to scratch her face.

A: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.

D: But her cheek has an itchy spot.

A: She can just let it itch. She doesn’t need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.

D: Wow…that cheek is really itchy…

A: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliver’s smile…

D: How about a song?

A: Good idea!

D: How about… “Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down…”🎶

A: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! She’s in the middle of a treatment! You know that’s the only part she knows!

D: That’s okay. She’ll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and…

A: Don’t be so mean!

D: “Never going to give you up…🎶”

A: Stop it!

D: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!

A: No, she didn’t.

D: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over…

A: She didn’t screw anything up!

D: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!

A: That’s not how it works…

D: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor won’t get enough radiation.

A: They know what they are doing!

D: …And it won’t shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.

A: No! No! No! That’s not how any of this…

D: …And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.

A: Stop this right now!!

D: “Never going to give you up…🎶”

A: Stop!

D: “…never going let you down…🎶”

A: I’m not going to let you…

D: “Never going to give you up…🎶” .

Techs: Okay. That’s it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?

Tammi: …Oh, I’m fine…

Amputee

ACK

If you put an amputee with no limbs in a snuggie, it becomes a stubbie.

Legs

Anonymous

“A man came running into a hospital saying” -DOCTOR DOCTOR!!! I CANT FEEL MY LEGS! “The doctor replied” -I know I amputated your ARMS!

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Legs

Anonymous

A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.

The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.

The man then got plastic prosthetics.

Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.

After much examination the doctor found that the patients pants were shedding color.

Legs

Alexander Laurens

A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail.

“Doctor, doctor!” He cries out.

“What is it?” The doctor asks.

“I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded.

“. . . That’s because I amputated your arms.”

Legs

Anonymous

What do call a girl with no legs…Sarah What do you call an olympic gold medalist skiing… not Sarah

Fat

Subject Frans Comedy

these are all of my terrible jokes

Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright but the reception was amazing A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender said "I’ll serve you but don’t start anything A dyslexic man walks into a bra Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says "does this taste funny to you, I’m joking of course" Dejamoo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and said to the doctor “I can’t feel my legs” the doctor said " I know, I AMPUTATED YOUR ARMS" I went to seafood disco last week, I pulled a muscle What do you call a fish with no eyes, a fsh Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one says "dam" A mystic dwarf escapes from a jail, the call went out of a "small medium at large" A man walks into a bar with solid tar under his arm, he says "a beer please,and one for the road" Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent YO MAMA SO FAT THAT she should be worried, diabetes is a serious problem What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, duh A priest a rabbi and a cleric walk into a bar, the cleric, due to his religious constructions, does not drink alcohol. The others do the same, they have a pleasant fun and nothing bad happens. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. I remember the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket, how far do you think I can kick this bucket A man walks into a bar, his alcohol independence is pulling this family apart I like my coffee like my women, on sometimes with a penis A man is working at a bar, a money comes in and orders a banana martini. The man wakes up and tells his story to his wife, he is ignored and he turns around sobbing. His marriage is falling apart Why didn’t Jesus play hockey? Soccer and baseball are more popular in Mexico What’s green and has wheels? Grass, the wheels WERE A LIE. What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels except the duck Why couldn’t the dinosaur break the wall, I don’t know. I’m asking you Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker, she has dementia There are an owl and a squirrel watching a farmer go by, they owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing. It’s an owl it can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because the owl is a bird of prey

Cannibal

Anonymous

Whenever the hungry cannibal performs amputations he says, “Thank you for your donation!”

Toe

Uehrhrh

I have no toes so I put blood on my foot and then my other foot got run over so ye