Health jokes
What do you call a homosexual in a coma?
A fruit and a vegetable!
What's the best part of a vegetable? The wheelchair.
Blonde: Can I suck you off? (has STDs on mouth)
Me: Naw (drake turn/dab)
Why do you have to wipe yourself with toilet paper? Because bugs can crawl, eat your poop, and drink your pee!
You’re so lame, you don’t have a superpower!
"Yah, I do!"
Oh yeah? What is it?
"My diaphragm contracts and moves downwards into my chest cavity and my lungs expand!"
That’s breathing, Jim.
"NO IT’S NOT, JACOB, YOU CAN’T PROVE IT!"
How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?
She died.
Paralyzed Man: *gets up* I’m out of here!
Blind Man: Did that paralyzed man just get up?
Deaf Man: Did that Blind Man see that paralyzed man get up?
Mute Man: Did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Dead Man: Did that mute man just say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
“Normal” Man: Did that dead man hear the mute man say did that deaf man hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Doctor: *calls 911*
911 service: 911 what’s your emergency?
Doctor: Yes, uh, a “normal” person just said that did that dead man just hear a mute man say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see a paralyzed man get up?
911 service: *hangs up*
What’s the hardest part of a veggie to eat?
The wheelchair.
What's the difference between broccoli & boogers?
People don't eat their broccoli.
Yo mama is so fat, her blood type is Nutella.
A cop pulls over an old man.
The cop walks up to the old man and says, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
The old man said, "No."
Aaron and Ben meet on Grindr. They have a drink and have sex. They wake up in the morning in bed. Aaron says, "I'm so glad I got it out." Ben replies, "What? Oh, just the HIV."
Have you heard about the movie about constipation?
Me neither, it hasn't come out yet.
What's the difference between a priest and a zit?
A: One waits until you're twelve to cum on your face.
I gave my friends some buttons.
Too bad he couldn't pull himself together.
What did Allan say to William, his sister, when he stepped on his toe? "OWWW Mitosis."
All germs are from GERMany.
I told my doctor I was experiencing some back pain. He told me to smoke some weed because I had chronic back pain.
Face-Timing My Girlfriend:
"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*
I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."