Health jokes
When the doctor asks you what your zodiac sign is,
You respond: "cancer."
Doctor says: "Well, what a coincidence!"
A man walks in to the doctor.
He says, "Doctor, I need a new butt. Mine has a crack in it."
Doctor: How many times do I have to tell you!!!
I thought you were just raising your eyebrow, but I checked the x-ray, and your skull shifted 128 degrees to the right.
What do you call a cat with a live in doctor?
An anemic, shrivelled cat with desperate attached owners.
What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.
Hi, what's your name?
I don't know, I'm disabled.
Why didn't the orange go to the doctor?
Because he had vitamin C.
Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.
My dog got stuck in my ass, help!
The lady was so fat that when she stepped on the scale, the scale responded with, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"
What time is it when you have a toothache?
2:30 (Tooth hurty).
So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.
So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...
How to protect your nuts from being hit: Just get hard.
If you cut off your head, you can't breathe.
You also can't breathe if you die.
So why isn't it debreathiation?
Question: Did you know that "diarrhea" is hereditary?
Answer: It "runs" in your jeans!
In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.
You're so fat, you only know the letters KFC.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
Why do orphans die so much?
'Cause MJ said "she got COVID-19."
Doctor: You should stop masturbating.
Me: Doc, I'm almost done.