Health jokes

I told my doctor I was experiencing some back pain. He told me to smoke some weed because I had chronic back pain.

All germs are from GERMany.

Face-Timing My Girlfriend:

"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*

Please stop using this thread. It is cancer.

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne doesn't cum on a kid's face 'til they're 13 or 14.

I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."

Why do mountains go to sleep a lot?

Because they are high.

Why did the cow cross the road? Because the chicken had corona.

There was a doctor's room filled with 20 women, 4 kids, 15 men, and 1 dog. However, there were forty foreheads. How is this possible?

(They will think 44 heads, not 40 foreheads.)

Because there are 40 foreheads, not 44 heads.

My wife said she wanted to leave me. She said it’s because of the abuse, but really, she’s the one abusing herself by drinking alcohol and got poisoning the next day. This shows almost half of the woman’s population is weak both physically and mentally.

What do you call a Black person having a seizure?

Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.

Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!

What do you call an autistic kid if he was short?

A short tistic.

A husband walks into the bedroom door holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asked what that was for.

"It is for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He smiles. "Gotcha!!!!"

I go to the shop and buy 2 pints of kimo.

What is a box called when a cough dies in it?

A coffin.

Which is more disabling, autism, ADHD, or Down syndrome?

What do you call it when a rapper has a cold?

A sniff beat.

Want one way to get a free haircut?

Call the cancer hotline.

Did you hear that Joe contracted Sugondese Ligma on his trip to Suggon, and now he won’t be able to make it to Saw Con?