Health jokes
What do you call a frozen Band-Aid?
Cool-Aid!
Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!
Why do babies cry? Cuz they can't suck very well.
What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?
They both get really high.
What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?
Doctor Bones.
A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.
So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
I told my wife I needed a blood transfusion when I could not remember. She said, "Be positive too."
Bad, I am now a ghost writing this.
What comes to visit more often than your aunt? Your acne.
What is a pooper man called? A dentist.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad did not beat cancer.
I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.
Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.
Less depresso, more espresso, I'm still depressed, but now I'm fast.
The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.
My ill sis said, "Why did the bear say no to ice cream?" and I said, "Why?" She said, "'Cuz it's stuffed!"
Why did the duck cross the road to get to his quack dealer?
What's bad? A nut allergy.
Q: What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?
A: Putting them back in their wheelchair.
What do you call a hung autist...
Dead.
You're so fat, that you're fat.
I said I ate an apple because I was hungry.