Health jokes

Why did the pirate go to the gym?

To improve his booty strength!

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My jokes are cancer.

I got my sister a trampoline for her birthday, but she won’t get out of her wheelchair and use it.

Stop joking with cancer.

- From a survivor :)

Yo mama is so fat that you should really take care of her because diabetes is a serious problem and she might die.

What do you call an epileptic in a swimming pool? A dishwasher.

A 90 year old man takes a Viagra.

Strips off naked, lies down in an alley way. Three chicks walk on by: a blond, a brunette, and a red head.

The red head said, "I'm not letting that go to waste," so she strips off and rides him. When she's finished,

The brunette then strips off naked and rides him. The blond's now worried because she just got her period. The red head sez, "He's dead. Don't let it go to waste," so she strips off naked and rides him. Then he wakes up. He then says, "Wow, two jump starts and a blood transfusion. I'm good to go!"

I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.

Diarrhea.

Dolls have wigs made of mohair, cancer patients have wigs of no hair.

Why did the skeleton eat tacos?

Because he was hungry.

"Who am I? Why am I typing?"

More cops died from COVID than anything else last year, hahahaha.

They should have shot COVID instead of Tyrone on the microphone, lmfao.

Yo mama sooooooo fucking fat, when she takes a step, she needs a 5-min break.

Would you rather:

Fight Mike Tyson

Or

Lick an elephant's butt after it took a crap with diarrhea?

A husband walks into the bedroom door holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asked what that was for.

"It is for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He smiles. "Gotcha!!!!"

Why do you have to wipe yourself with toilet paper? Because bugs can crawl, eat your poop, and drink your pee!

What do kids with cancer and cancer jokes have in common?

CANCER!

Just kidding, they are both fun to laugh at.

Q: You have problems, I think your disease is BOOFA.

Q: What boofa?

A: Boofa deez nuts in yo mouth!