Health jokes
A man found out that he was going to die.
A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"
Then he died and learned how to say no in German....
What is the most expensive type of sex you will ever enjoy in your life? The type which will shorten your life by 5 to 10 years.
My mom said the only way to cure depression is to do what she does. She's dead.
What do you call a cat with a live in doctor?
An anemic, shrivelled cat with desperate attached owners.
Yo mama's so fat, she even studied for the corona test.
My friend has ligma...
Lick ma balls!
Yo mama so fat, she needs to go to the gym.
Did you hear about the mad who got his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.
Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dyslexic.
Dyslexic who?
You.
What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
Two pencils walking down the street.
Which one hasn’t got AIDS?
The one with the rubber on.
What do you call two Michael J. Fox's standing next to each other?
Parallel Parkinson's.
What do you call Stephen Hawking when he eats too much?
As fat as Ben Dingley.
Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?
'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.
Q: Why doesn't a skeleton mother drink water?
A: Because it gives her more work!
Why did the bike fall over?
It was too tired.
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"
Q: What is the hardest part of a vegetable to swallow?
A: A wheelchair.