Health jokes

What do you call Stephen Hawking when he eats too much?

As fat as Ben Dingley.

Where did the chef put the disease?

In Ebola.

When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!

Q: What is the hardest part of a vegetable to swallow?

A: A wheelchair.

One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

Your Dad.

I help suicidal people.

BTW verb not adjective.

A young woman goes for her first gynecological exam, and the nurse has her take off her clothes, put on a gown, and get in the stirrups. She tells her the doctor will be in in a minute.

The doctor comes in and tells the young lady that she has one of the most beautiful vaginas he’s ever seen, and he has seen a lot of them. She thanks him for the compliment. He tells her he is about to start the examination, but he is going to have to numb her first, when she says ok, he goes:

"Num num num num num!"

Have you seen the movie "Constipation"?

It hasn't come out yet.

My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.

Yo mama so fat that she should be worried for her health and go see a doctor.

My dick itches.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Steve!"

"Steve who?"

Steve cries, aware that his grandmother's Alzheimer's has reached a point where she can no longer remember him.

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

Me and my cancer

Are like a game of Fortnite.

I’ll never win.

Someone was walking down the street and they saw some neat...

"Diarrhea cha cha cha, Diarrheal cha cha cha!"

A man came running into a hospital saying, "Doctor, Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know I amputated your arms!"

I'M SOOOO SAD. (I have depression btw)

What happens when the Twin Towers breathe? They collapse like an orphan with stage 4 cystic fibrosis who lives in the streets of Africa.

Stephen Hawking never used a condom. He used a firewall.