Health jokes

A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."

"Guess what my wife left in the freezer?"

"Her miscarriage."

Why did the orange stop?

Because it ran out of juice. Hahhaha.

What do you call a person with no arms?

Armless.

If only Karen Carpenter had eaten Mama Cass's sandwich...

What did the chocolate dentist say to the other chocolate dentist? Did you "chip" a tooth?

How do you poop?

How do you know someone is autistic?

They get stuck in a loop very often.

My grandma always told my dad if a bird ever got in your house/truck, someone would die later that exact day.

She found out she had cancer. 11 months later, my grandpa died of a stroke. I hope to see them in heaven. I’d like to meet them. Pls comment good things. I really, really love them, even though I didn’t get to meet them. 😭😭😭

So, we are in class right, and the teacher has a metal leg. Every year she gets the question of, "Do metal detectors beep every time you walk by them?" She heard this question to the point where she just says yes without hesitation.

Once she had said yes, two kids in the back started laughing.

Teacher: Ok alright, take it a little bit more seriously would you?

Kid: Oh, we're not laughing at that.

Kid_2: We're laughing at cancer.

Boy: Mom, why are you drinking this disgusting red soup? I wanted salad.

Mom: Quiet, son. We only get this once a month.

Dam, my balls itch like hell.

"Cancer isn't real. It's probably special effects."

Why does Ella have cancer?

Because she’s stupid.

Why can't the blind man see? Because he can't see.

A man found out that he was going to die.

A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"

Then he died and learned how to say no in German....

How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?

She died.

What do you call a cat with a live in doctor?

An anemic, shrivelled cat with desperate attached owners.

Yo mama's so fat, she even studied for the corona test.

What is the most expensive type of sex you will ever enjoy in your life? The type which will shorten your life by 5 to 10 years.