Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: no one stands up Teacher: Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.
One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one then he/she should stand up. After a minute a boy stands up.
The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he’s an idiot.
The boy says, “No, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”
I used to be a banker but I lost interest…
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She always ran away from the ball.
Why can’t bikes stand? Because they are two tired (Too tired)
I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating “Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn”
Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, “If you’re happy and you know it…”
The room was full of arm amputees.
I always hated being born a catholic as a kid, the way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church, I was always thinking “for God’s sake just pick a position and f... me”
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! after all, they can’t even stand up for themselves
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”