Health jokes

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

What did the blind deaf orphan child get for Christmas?

cancer.

Why did the dick go insane?

Someone kept messing with his head.

What does the word circumcise mean?

Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.

Somebody give me a peanut. I just ate an EpiPen.

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

Why did the stick fall?

Because he is a stick man.

There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.

I pregnoot.

What do you call a disabled person in a sauna?

Steamed veggies!

What do you call a white man that’s blind?

Asian eyes.

Why did the condom cross the road?

Because he was pissed off.

What is the difference between a priest and a doctor?

The doctor doesn't like to give physicals.

A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"

A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I know he LCD'd them and all, but I have been tripping all day.

Yo mama so fat, the only letters that she knows are KFC.

Guys, depression cannot be turned into a joke.

What’s the best part of stage four cancer?

A: There’s no stage five.