Health jokes
Robert Smith walks into a hospital. The nurse says, "We have the cure!"
Why do doctors use so much lipstick?
Because they love cos-medics!
What's the difference between sleeping pills and my beating my meat?
Sleeping pills actually come with a prescription.
The bright side of this pandemic is now both my hands look equally chapped and raw.
What's a saying you shouldn't tell an epileptic?
Seize your moment.
When it's NNN but you have a peanut allergy: 🥳
Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
Q. What's an Alzheimer's victim's favourite song? A. Stand Down at Sundown.
Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.
I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.
Q: What's green and yellow and eats balls?
A: Gonorrhea.
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say when you leave?
"Thanks for coming. Hope you come again soon."
What is Chuck Norris' favorite Sonic song?
"Open Your Heart."
One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.
And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.
And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.
The doctor had an ego so big, it fell into the ocean fast.
What is Ronaldo's favorite fruit?
Oranges because they have vitamin C.
What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu?
One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.
What's small and can't turn around in a hallway?
A baby with a javelin in its head!
What do you call a skeleton that does nothing all day?
A lazy bones!
Yo mama is so fat, the doctor asked for her weight, she told her phone number.