Health jokes
I think the pollen count is a difficult job. Especially if you have hay fever.
Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.
What is the best way to get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why is the older brother's kid brother that has autism always performing fellatio on his older brother?
Because he wants to find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
Do this on a calculator.
There was this girl who was (13) but she wanted to be (84) but she was (45) but the doctor said (0). He said take these tablets (2x) a day, but she took them (4x) a day, and she ended up boobless.
If laughter is contagious, Kris's jokes are immunity.
What is a fat boy's favorite karate move?
A pork chop.
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"
Q. What's the difference between fucking a coma patient and fucking a cabbage?
A. You have to cut a hole in the cabbage.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
Son: Dad, what's a morbid joke?
Father: Walk over to a homeless man and throw a rock at him, then you will know.
Son: But Dad, I don't have arms or legs.
Father: Now you know.
What is six inches, goes in your mouth, and it's fun when it vibrates? A toothbrush.
Yo mama sooooooo fucking fat, when she takes a step, she needs a 5-min break.
What’s positive in Africa?
HIV/AIDS.
Someone said to me they like greasy food with gravy.
I said no wonder your forehead's so greasy.
Why did Susan drop her ice cream? She was hit by a bus.
Like if I'm fine-ish.
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.