Health jokes
What do squats eat? Numbers.
What was I saying again?
Why didn't the orange go to the doctor?
Because he had vitamin C.
Where did Stephen Hawking go when he broke his leg?
Hospital or Currys PC World?
Yo mama's so stinky that whenever she walks into a building, the flies drop dead!
Memes
Stephen Hawking had a heart attack the year before his death.
They took him to PC World for repairs.
What comes to visit more often than your aunt? Your acne.
What's the difference between broccoli and a booger?
Kids won't eat broccoli.
What time is it if you sprain an ankle or an arm?
Time to go to the doctor! đ„Œ
What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?
A baby you cut one off each time.
Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.
A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"
The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
What were the last words of your grandma in 2020?
"Oh, I think I forgot my mask!"
Last night I had the strangest dream!
I sailed away to China!
And I caught the coronavirus!
You said you needed to wash your hands!
Didn't want no one else to touch you! What does that mean?!
And you said!!
Ain't nothing gonna break my lungs đ€!
Ain't no way of slowing Covid down!
Oh no I've got to keep on coughing!!!
Whatâs the difference between a prostitute and cancer?
A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute canât beat cancer.
A girl and a boy were on a date. The boy kept farting. The girl asked, "What is wrong?!?". The boy replied, "Explosive diarrhea.". The girl said, "Ew".
The boy went to the bathroom, and the place exploded. The center of the explosion, the bathroom.
I asked my now ex-boyfriend why heâs scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.
I told him that my cat doesnât scratch, but he didnât believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.
(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah đ)
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
The sad thing is when they ride the scooters in Wal-Mart... Really, you declining to walk is what got your fat ass in that scooter to begin with... And damned if they aren't buying diet soda... Please... cull this shit... We don't need them in society... KFC is not a disease.