Health jokes

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.

Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?

My brother didn’t beat cancer.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

What vibrates and is 6 inches?

A toothbrush.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS.

Why can't the blind man see? Because he can't see.

What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?

Dairy free.

"ADHD is brainless and autism is braindead."

If Stephen Hawking gets a heart attack, where do you go, the hospital or Curry's PC World?

My wife is not only gone like gonorrhea, she is also gone because of my (and now her) gonorrhea.

The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

Why do Asians have squinty eyes?

Because atomic bombs are pretty damn bright.

What time are most dentist appointments? Tooth hurty.

Man, cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already on stage 4.

I wanted to get brain surgery.

I changed my mind.

Never drink tea in school... I give people tea if they've passed out... tea can be nice, but only have it once a day... It's not what you think... It's not tea, it's CPR.

A: What did the podiatrist say to the double amputee?

Q: Sorry, but I can't help you.