Health jokes
Jamal had 75 candy bars. He ate 65. What does he have now?
Diabetes.
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?
Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.
Why did two dumb blondes put condoms on the cow's udders because they wanted the cow to practice safe sex?
I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.
The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"
My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."
A fat man was checking his weight and sucking in his fat belly. A physicist saw it and said that's not how the law of conservation of mass works.
Plot twist: The fat man jumped on the physicist and proved him wrong. Now the physicist doesn't have mass.
Cancer kids be like: "When I grow up... lol nevermind."
This joke never gets old. Just like the child.
You are so fat you tried to eat the word "edible."
How can you tell that a woman cannot fit through a vent because she got pregnant from a baby elephant? Ain't no telling who's in better shape, the elephant or the woman. I guess it's probably Weight Watchers.
What goes up but never past the digits 15?
A Make-A-Wish kid...
Leukophobic people don’t have sex. Leukophobia is the fear of white.
What was I saying again?
Why didn't the orange go to the doctor?
Because he had vitamin C.
What's bad? A nut allergy.
What do squats eat? Numbers.
Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.
What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
What's the difference between fruit and a freshly killed corpse?
I don't eat the fruit.
Yo mama's so stinky that whenever she walks into a building, the flies drop dead!
What comes to visit more often than your aunt? Your acne.