Health jokes

The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.

What's bald and can't grow no hair?

A kid with cancer.

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.

Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.

Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.

Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?

Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?

I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."

Read this and you're gay.

Depression has been entered into your body.

My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.

That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Why do kids with cancer hate their birthday?

They don't know if they'll be alive to see it.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Mimi. Mimi who? Mimi’s got cancer.

Stephen Hawking didn’t die naturally, his carer just forgot to put him on charge.

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite drug?

Battery acid.

A player in Baldi's Basics says, "Why are you bald?"

Baldi responds, "Well, I have cancer."

The player says, "Oh, good for you!"

What do you call onions and beans?

Tear gas.

Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.

Day 70 without sex, my doctor asked me, "Are you sexually active?" I said, "Why, what you tryna do?"

You're an orphan and blind. You have cancer. You will die in 3 days. Merry Xmas!

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

If cancer was a person I’d shake their hand and say: "Thank you for your service."

Sorry if it’s too far, but don’t come here if you can’t take it.

What do you call a bunch of microcephalics in a swimming pool?

Vegetable soup.

Why do people not adhere to the corona measures?

Because they hate their lives and want to die.

Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.