Health jokes
Five little monkeys jumping on a bed, one fell off and bumped his head.
Mummy called the doctor and the doctor said, "I'm gay!"
You know who else has dementia?
Comments for answer.
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
My back is straighter than I am, and I literally have scoliosis.
Your mum is so fat, she eats every meal from KFC, Maccas, Hungry Jacks all at once!
What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?
He strained himself.
Which one gets bullied the most, autism, Down syndrome, or ADHD?
What's the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
What did Stephen Hawking have for breakfast? His left shoulder.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What do you call a ruptured Chinese man?
One Hung Lo.
Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!
I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you'll find a brain back there.
Make a wish kid: I want to meet Mac Miller.
Make a wish staff: You will soon, chief.
Anthony Blinken's life sucks, and getting COVID-19 positive is the only positive thing that ever happened in his entire life!
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Doctor: Tomorrow is like John Cena, you won’t see it.
I have more respect for cancer than depression, because cancer has the balls to kill me himself.
Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people.