Health jokes

If girls are vegan, why do they suck dick?

When you were born, your mom said you were out of bounds, so you went flying out of the hospital.

A man bought steroids from Amazon.com... He was expecting a big package to come!

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?

Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.

The moment when you're too depressed to fantasize about death--it's so tiring.

Leukophobic people don’t have sex. Leukophobia is the fear of white.

Somebody give me a peanut. I just ate an EpiPen.

Why did the autistic kid walk across a busy road?

He was chasing his mind and got hit by a car.

I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.

The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"

My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."

You are so fat you tried to eat the word "edible."

How can you tell that a woman cannot fit through a vent because she got pregnant from a baby elephant? Ain't no telling who's in better shape, the elephant or the woman. I guess it's probably Weight Watchers.

What goes up but never past the digits 15?

A Make-A-Wish kid...

What's bad? A nut allergy.

What do squats eat? Numbers.

What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

What was I saying again?

Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.

Why didn't the orange go to the doctor?

Because he had vitamin C.

What's the difference between fruit and a freshly killed corpse?

I don't eat the fruit.