Health jokes
What time is it if you sprain an ankle or an arm?
Time to go to the doctor! 🥼
What comes to visit more often than your aunt? Your acne.
What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?
A baby you cut one off each time.
A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"
The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."
What’s the difference between a fetus and a jar of pickles?
The pickles aren’t as tasty in a jar.
Somebody give me a peanut. I just ate an EpiPen.
Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"
I asked Stephen if he was an organ donor, and he said why.
I said, "That's a shame. I need parts for my go-cart."
If girls are vegan, why do they suck dick?
A handicapped person and an orphan get into a fight. The orphan says, "At least I have two functional legs." The handicapped person says, "At least I have two functional parents."
Yo mama is so stupid that she studied for a COVID test.
I went to a depressed person and said, "Do you wanna hang with me?"
It's tiring being straight 24/7.
What's the difference between a (hypothetical) girl and cancer?
Her dad didn't beat cancer.
Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you.
But, smoking bacon will cure it!
I'm throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants.
Let me know if you can't cum.
What's green and has a thousand nipples?
A garbage bag in the alley behind a breast cancer clinic.
Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.
A book went to the doctor’s office and said: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got thesaurus throat ever.”
Doctor: I can't treat you.
Orphan: Why!
Doctor: I'm a family doctor.