Health Jokes

Stephen Hawking had a heart attack the year before his death.

They took him to PC World for repairs.

Yo mama's so stinky that whenever she walks into a building, the flies drop dead!

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

What do you call a crappy circumcision?

A rip-off.

Knock knock!!

Who's there??

Dishwasher!!

Dishwasher who??

Dishwasher way i used to talk when i got my head kicked in!

The image is a poster with the text "Cigarettes are like squirrels. They are perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire. NO SMOKING". There is a picture of a squirrel on the right side of the poster.

I almost got run over by a car.

For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.

"hvhuhdsjcjdsijdskdsivhdsvhsjdvnsjdvdshvgdshgsdhfgh" That's what my friend said when he gave an EpiPen. I don't know why, though.

What comes to visit more often than your aunt? Your acne.

What time is it if you sprain an ankle or an arm?

Time to go to the doctor! 🥼

What's the difference between broccoli and a booger?

Kids won't eat broccoli.

What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?

A baby you cut one off each time.

Last night I had the strangest dream!

I sailed away to China!

And I caught the coronavirus!

You said you needed to wash your hands!

Didn't want no one else to touch you! What does that mean?!

And you said!!

Ain't nothing gonna break my lungs 😤!

Ain't no way of slowing Covid down!

Oh no I've got to keep on coughing!!!

What’s the difference between a prostitute and cancer?

A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute can’t beat cancer.

A girl and a boy were on a date. The boy kept farting. The girl asked, "What is wrong?!?". The boy replied, "Explosive diarrhea.". The girl said, "Ew".

The boy went to the bathroom, and the place exploded. The center of the explosion, the bathroom.

I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.

I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.

(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."