Health jokes

What comes to visit more often than your aunt? Your acne.

What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?

A baby you cut one off each time.

A handicapped person and an orphan get into a fight. The orphan says, "At least I have two functional legs." The handicapped person says, "At least I have two functional parents."

If girls are vegan, why do they suck dick?

I went to a depressed person and said, "Do you wanna hang with me?"

When you were born, your mom said you were out of bounds, so you went flying out of the hospital.

The moment when you're too depressed to fantasize about death--it's so tiring.

I'm throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants.

Let me know if you can't cum.

What's green and has a thousand nipples?

A garbage bag in the alley behind a breast cancer clinic.

Cancer kids be like: "When I grow up... lol nevermind."

This joke never gets old. Just like the child.

Somebody give me a peanut. I just ate an EpiPen.

A fat man was checking his weight and sucking in his fat belly. A physicist saw it and said that's not how the law of conservation of mass works.

Plot twist: The fat man jumped on the physicist and proved him wrong. Now the physicist doesn't have mass.

What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?

Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.

Why did the autistic kid walk across a busy road?

He was chasing his mind and got hit by a car.

I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.

The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"

My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."

You are so fat you tried to eat the word "edible."

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Leukophobic people don’t have sex. Leukophobia is the fear of white.

Why did two dumb blondes put condoms on the cow's udders because they wanted the cow to practice safe sex?

How can you tell that a woman cannot fit through a vent because she got pregnant from a baby elephant? Ain't no telling who's in better shape, the elephant or the woman. I guess it's probably Weight Watchers.