Health jokes
Why did people take Stephen Hawking's to the hospital when we should have took him to Curry's PC World?
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
I'm sorry your dad beat you instead of cancer.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,
"Some asshole has my pen!"
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.
What itches a lot?
Syphilis.
Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!
Doctor: Sit down for a minute.
So I was in the lunch room and was sitting by the peanut allergic kids' table. I stood up and I threw an opened bag of peanuts at them and yelled, "25 kill streak!" 🤣😂
My friend: How are you running so fast? You just had 10 hamburgers!
Me: It’s the 10 hamburgers that are making me run fast!
I'm jealous of cancer. My dad beat me but never beat cancer.
What's the difference between cancer and a Nazi? Cancer doesn't discriminate.
What's the best way to get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."
I said, "You wanna bet?"
Bam, a gunshot!
It's snot fair!
The witch doctor came in my mouth last week. First hot meal I’ve had in weeks.
What's the most expensive haircut you can get? Chemotherapy.
He is helping world hunger by feeding cancer.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling very well!