Health jokes
Anne Frank: This one time at camp, someone had too much gas.
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."
Your mama is so fat. She gets winded just thinking about running.
Your mama is so stupid, Patrick Starr ran away because he thought she might be contagious.
What's the most expensive haircut you can get? Chemotherapy.
Question: Did you know that "diarrhea" is hereditary?
Answer: It "runs" in your jeans!
They say if Viagra lasts more than four hours, call the doctor? I’m just wondering, it’s been six hours and I’m still hard, should I call the doctor or hop on another woman?
How do people with hydrocephalus wear standard-size helmets?
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Will I survive?
Doctor: Probably not.
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
Yo mama so fat, her birth certificate was an apology letter.
The 9/11 and the Spanish flu are kind of similar.
The Spanish flu was a very dangerous flu, and in 9/11, something very dangerous flew.
What's long and hard and has c*m in the middle? Cucumber. What were you thinking?
I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........
Doctor: I have bad news.
Man: What?
Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.
Man: Oh, no...
Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.
Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!
You're so skinny the world turns to the left!
What do depression and suicide have in common?
Nothing, they're both hanging.
That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.
If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.
If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.
What time is it when you have a toothache?
2:30 (Tooth hurty).