Health jokes

Yo mama so fat, she can't pick up a dumbbell... the dumbbell pick her up.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

One day, Little Johnny went to his grandma's house, and she asks, "Do you like nuts?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, I like nuts."

His grandma says, "Okay then, grab them out of the cabinet." So Little Johnny went and grabbed them, and he was sad after he grabbed them. His grandma then says, "What's wrong?"

Little Johnny says, "I thought they were real nuts," and his grandma fainted.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."

So I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

I'm black, and I have a dying family in my basement that hasn't eaten in 2 weeks. They need help.

Btw, it's a joke lol.

Why did the cow cross the road? Because the chicken had corona.

What's bad? A nut allergy.

What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?

Doctor Bones.

Johnny Johnny?

Yes pa pa.

Eating sugar?

Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.

I have ligma.

What time are most dentist appointments? Tooth hurty.

I have 206 bones. When I look at you, I have 207.

I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.

They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.

I did not believe in COVID-19 until I saw your teeth social distancing.

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

How do you start a dance party?

Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.

What do you call a kid in a wheelchair?

TIMMAHHHH!

When I saw your face, it instantly made me throw up.

I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!