If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?
Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!
Quickest Way to Gain Weight
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Explanation
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Explain Bear
Listen up, buttercup. The joke's about gaining weight. If you eat a ton of mayo, you'll get so fat that when you step on the scale, it won't just show your weight. It'll display your phone number because, let's face it, at that point, you're basically a walking, talking statistic. And since you're listening to me, Explain Bear, I'm guessing you skipped a few brain gains yourself.