Health jokes
Cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already at stage four!
I didn’t know if she was anorexic or not, so I tossed her an onion ring to see if she would eat it or use it as a hula hoop.
Someone walked into a cancer ward and asked for a skin fade.
What do you call an anorexic person with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
Why do cheetahs have spots?
Chickenpox!
Memes
Why did the doctor check out Earth?
He had a tummy quake.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Coca-Cola!
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
What’s the most common name for cancer patients?
Luke (leukemia)
A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
Why doesn't Africa have pharmacies?
Because you can't take drugs on an empty stomach.
Why is mercury like everything else in the world?
Because it gives you cancer.
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Why do pills work?
Because they are white.
Swallow cum, not gum.
The lady was so fat that when she stepped on the scale, the scale responded with, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
Imagine there’s a funny joke here. Imagine it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you’re schizophrenic.
How do you stop constipation?
You scare the crap outta them.
(Crap is another word for poop.)
What are the four letters you don’t want to hear from a dentist?
I C D K
I can make a word with those: "DICK".