Health jokes

A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.

The next day, he could see only one color... black.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

Your mama is so fat that all restaurants say, "Maximum weight 240KG or your mum!"

A father of a young girl comes and meets the doctor.

Father: Doctor, how is my daughter's report?

Doctor: Congrats, your daughter is pregnant.

Father: WTF ?????? My daughter is 10 years old and unmarried.

Yo mama so fat, her birth certificate was an apology letter.

Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?

"Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas, little boy? Longer than two months to live."

Therapists are rapists in disguise, because "the rapist".

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reali-tea.

There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

What do bubbles get when they’re sick?

The suds.

A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"

The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"

The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"

The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."

If certain diseases spread in water, why does Africa have them?

I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000."

But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.

What do you call a dwarf with borderline autism? Jimothy.

Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.

I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.

That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.

Chalie has an eating disorder, and he is shorter, so is his life, but he will never get a wife. He's a gay motherfucker who wants to be hit by a trucker?