Health jokes
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
What’s the most common name for cancer patients?
Luke (leukemia)
If you turn Down syndrome upside down, do they have Up syndrome now?
A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
Why do pills work?
Because they are white.
Memes
The lady was so fat that when she stepped on the scale, the scale responded with, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"
Why is mercury like everything else in the world?
Because it gives you cancer.
Swallow cum, not gum.
Why doesn't Africa have pharmacies?
Because you can't take drugs on an empty stomach.
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
What's an edible part of a wheelchair?
A vegetable!
Why did the math book go to the psychologist?
It had too many problems.
Why is there air conditioning at a hospital?
To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
Yum!
I never liked unnatural adult stars with implants and face surgeries because they look photoshopped, and they always need a ton of lube to get into due to how plastic they are.
How does a prostitute that has blond hair and polish and a gay white male kill erectile dysfunction for his clients?
He performs fellatio on them.
Me after Taco Bell, "I’m about to blow this place up like September 11."
What did the doctor say to the orphan?
"I can't help you with cancer, I'm a family doctor!"
How do you stop constipation?
You scare the crap outta them.
(Crap is another word for poop.)
What are the four letters you don’t want to hear from a dentist?
I C D K
I can make a word with those: "DICK".