Health jokes

What did the doctor say to the orphan?

"I can't help you with cancer, I'm a family doctor!"

Me after Taco Bell, "I’m about to blow this place up like September 11."

How does a prostitute that has blond hair and polish and a gay white male kill erectile dysfunction for his clients?

He performs fellatio on them.

Q: Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake.

What is the difference between cremation and smoking?

While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.

Did you know nine of ten dentists recommend oral sex?

Why did the math book go to the psychologist?

It had too many problems.

Imagine there’s a funny joke here. Imagine it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you’re schizophrenic.

Why is there air conditioning at a hospital?

To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.

Yum!

Make a wish kid: I want to meet Mac Miller.

Make a wish staff: You will soon, chief.

Why did the poop cross the street? Because it was trying to get in the toilet.

I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.

You know what's the worst about having a daughter with cancer?

You can't pull her hair when you hit it from the back.

Three doctors go into a room to get rid of a dead guy's body. They notice when they walk over that he has a boner. The first doctor decides, "Why not fuck him? He still has a boner left in him." The second says, "Well, he's dead, and I am a virgin." The third one says, "I can't, I'm on my period," and then says, "Okay, why not? He's already dead. It's not like he doesn't smell bad." After all that, they go to walk out, and the guy pops up and says, "Thanks for saving my life, pumping blood back into my body..."

My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.

Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.

Q: What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?

A: Putting them back in their wheelchair.

What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits until you're a teen to cum on your face.

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"

Solve this equation: a gay boy + a whole lot of drugs = A hyped up f'ing machine.

What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?

The dentist!