Q: What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a tomato?
A: A tomato isn't a vegetable.
The sad thing is when they ride the scooters in Wal-Mart... Really, you declining to walk is what got your fat ass in that scooter to begin with... And damned if they aren't buying diet soda... Please... cull this shit... We don't need them in society... KFC is not a disease.
What is it called when the gynecologist slanders your grandfather?
A pap smear.
One tonsil said to the other tonsil, “We must be in San Juan Capistrano, here comes another swallow.”
I want to make a joke about old age, but I'm too senile to finish it.
Your mama is so stupid, she made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.
When you say, "I wish I could cut off these bumps on my neck." (Your mom walking to you with a knife.)
I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.
Mom, start eating, or else you will get fatter!
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Kid: I got homework.
Mom: Ok, so?
Kid: I got a F in my balls.
When is a cold not a cold?
This is how to die soft 101.
Yo bro, you good? You need a hug?
I got something long stuck inside me last night, dammit, that needle hurt.
What did Eminem call himself when he lost weight?
Slim Shady.
Your mother is so fat, she actually went on a diet and started exercising, and I hear she's doing quite well now.
Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.
Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.
His favorite drink was his dribble.
What do hospitals do when they receive donor organs? They organize them.
