Health jokes
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
What is the difference between a fat person and a whole pizza?
Well, a whole pizza cannot eat a fat person.
Do you remember what Bruce Willis' last movies were?
Neither does he.
"A foolish man is lactose intolerant. A wise man simply tolerates it."
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
What kind of cold flu do the Japanese get? The Koflu.
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
Dark humor is like cancer; it's funnier when kids get it.
How to get rid of non-vaccinators: call water a "dehydration vaccine."
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
Why didn't the doctor help the orphan?
Because he was a family doctor!
Your mum is so fat, when I see her, I get depressed.
Did you hear about the "Funny Doctor"?
He'll have you in "Stitches"!
Why do people never kick their own balls?
Because they might lose one!
Her: "Land of the free".
Me: *fat*
Her: What do you mean?
Me: It's not fat-free.
What’s a kid with Down syndrome's favorite candy... Grunts.
What do you do if your dick is smoking?
Get your mum to lick it.
"You need to cease, all those fat cuz u obese."
When life gives you melons, You’re probably dyslexic.