Health jokes
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.
The only doctor you have is Doctor Pepper.
You're so fat, that you're fat.
A Make-A-Wish patient wanted to see Black Panther IRL, so I pulled his plug.
What happens when the Twin Towers breathe? They collapse like an orphan with stage 4 cystic fibrosis who lives in the streets of Africa.
You're so bad at games, bro, they gave you AIDS before losing! 😹
I did not believe in COVID-19 until I saw your teeth social distancing.
You're so skinny that the professor thought you were the skeleton.
What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.
I heard you were looking for a stud...
I already have the STD; all I need is you.
What is big and long and hard?
A cucumber!
Question: Did you know that "diarrhea" is hereditary?
Answer: It "runs" in your jeans!
You fighting? More like you're dying!
Your teeth are so yellow, you spit butter!
Your hair is receding more than people do when they smell you.
The doctor said I have until 2:30 to live.
That’s like 20 years from now, I said.
He looks at the time. It’s 2:30.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
...Because there's always a cast!
There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.
When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.
The doctor said, "You're all right now."
The daughter milked her dad. It turns out it wasn't milk...