Health jokes
What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.
I heard you were looking for a stud...
I already have the STD; all I need is you.
What is big and long and hard?
A cucumber!
Question: Did you know that "diarrhea" is hereditary?
Answer: It "runs" in your jeans!
You fighting? More like you're dying!
Your teeth are so yellow, you spit butter!
Your hair is receding more than people do when they smell you.
The doctor said I have until 2:30 to live.
That’s like 20 years from now, I said.
He looks at the time. It’s 2:30.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
...Because there's always a cast!
There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.
When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.
The doctor said, "You're all right now."
The daughter milked her dad. It turns out it wasn't milk...
What's the difference between normal sex and anal sex?
One makes your whole day and one makes your hole weak.
Why did the booger cross the nose?
Answer: To get to the other hole.
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?” Jon said, “I’d be half blind.” “That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?” “I’d be completely blind.” The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one ear?” Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be half blind.” The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?” “I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered. “Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?” “My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
Why Cristiano Ronaldo loves oranges??
Because they contain vitamin suiiiii!
Why can't people in Africa have medicine?
Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.
I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.
I bribbled a kid and he was bribbled hem so hard that his balls came off.
What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?
Have a blood transfusion.
Okay, so I have a dairy and sugar allergy, and if I eat it, I get REALLY CONSTIPATED, so this is me when I’m constipated ᕙ(⇀‸↼‵‵)ᕗ lol.