Health jokes
What's stiff and 6 inches long?
SIDS.
"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"
"Cancer."
Yo mama went to Safeway to be safe.
What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?
Her miscarriage.
Have you seen the movie "Constipated?"
It hasn’t come out yet.
Yo mama's so fat that she used a telephone pole as a tampon.
"Welcome to Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where last week's loss is this week's sauce."
I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.
What do you call a bunch of microcephalics in a swimming pool?
Vegetable soup.
It's snot fair!
Why did the cucumber go to the doctor? Because he wasn't peeling well!
You're fat. Don't sugar coat it because you would probably eat that, too.
A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"
The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."
One random YouTube comment in 2018: "Soon, a virus will come to Earth."
A year later: "Pahahahahah that comment is fake lmaoooo ahahahha!"
Another year later: "Time to die a painful death."
Another year later: "God has come with the cure!"
I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.
The patient said, "When will this be over?"
The doctor said, "After you die."
The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"
The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."
The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"
I have a big bag of Doritos in the kitchen. It's only for people who are skinny, but the fat people can't have any. All they do is suck it up like a lollipop.
How can you tell that a woman cannot fit through a vent because she got pregnant from a baby elephant? Ain't no telling who's in better shape, the elephant or the woman. I guess it's probably Weight Watchers.
Why did Kristen Stewart fart on the set of Charlie's Angels? Because she ate too much damn chili for breakfast I made for her. I just forgot to put my foot in it.
Why do people not adhere to the corona measures?
Because they hate their lives and want to die.