Health Jokes

You're fat. Don't sugar coat it because you would probably eat that, too.

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"

The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."

One random YouTube comment in 2018: "Soon, a virus will come to Earth."

A year later: "Pahahahahah that comment is fake lmaoooo ahahahha!"

Another year later: "Time to die a painful death."

Another year later: "God has come with the cure!"

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

The patient said, "When will this be over?"

The doctor said, "After you die."

The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

I have a big bag of Doritos in the kitchen. It's only for people who are skinny, but the fat people can't have any. All they do is suck it up like a lollipop.

How can you tell that a woman cannot fit through a vent because she got pregnant from a baby elephant? Ain't no telling who's in better shape, the elephant or the woman. I guess it's probably Weight Watchers.

Why did Kristen Stewart fart on the set of Charlie's Angels? Because she ate too much damn chili for breakfast I made for her. I just forgot to put my foot in it.

Why do people not adhere to the corona measures?

Because they hate their lives and want to die.

What would you do if you see a guy suffocating from the heat? I would call and dial 911, holy shit!

Why did Alice from Wonderland get her butt stuck in the rabbit hole at first? Because she probably ate too many hamburgers and drank too much wine just out of nowhere, then told her butt to hold it in before more food pops out.

If your butt hurts real bad, put some vapor rub and booty cream on it so it can heal back to normal.

What do you tell your butt cheek when you need to use the bathroom? "Hold it in, so you won't get constipated and die."

What's the difference between cancer and my dad?

Cancer is still here. 😂😂😅😅😐😐😪😪😥😥😭😭

I tried making vegetable soup yesterday, but I couldn’t fit the wheelchair in the pot.

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

If Stephen Hawking gets a heart attack, where do you go, the hospital or Curry's PC World?

Fat.

What time do Chinese people go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty (2:30).

If you get an apple a day, what does it give you?

Worms and rotten fruit.