Health jokes
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
Yo mama sooooooo fucking fat, when she takes a step, she needs a 5-min break.
Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? Because they don’t get homesick.
What constellation has no hair at all?
Cancer.
What do you call a fat person in a wheelchair?
A broken wheelchair.
"Doctor, I'm shrinking!"
"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
Mom, start eating, or else you will get fatter!
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.
"Give me the good news first," the patient said.
"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."
"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"I've been trying to reach you for two days."
I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.
You know how all zodiacs have hairstyles... well not Cancers.
You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.
You look like the 0.01 percent of germs the Lysol didn't kill.
I'm not fat!!
I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.
I said I ate an apple because I was hungry.
When you say, "I wish I could cut off these bumps on my neck." (Your mom walking to you with a knife.)
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
Last year, I got kicked out of the Hospital for telling COVID patients to stay positive!
Why did the old man win in a fight? Because he was stressed.
You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.
Why did the butt let out a fart?
Answer: To wipe out humanity!