Health jokes

Once my sister was a sister, now she's a blister.

"Float like a butternut, sting like a bee."

Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.

What sandwich spread makes people itch?

Flea-nut butter.

What happens to a nervous nut?

It cracks.

I am always high, welcome to bipolar disorder. LMAO. (Don't bother to like or comment, I just had to say this.)

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has one.

If girls are vegan, why do they suck dick?

Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.

Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.

Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.

Which nut is the worst for your diet?

Donuts.

Why are you sitting down to pee? I don't have a good back and can't lift something big.

What's red and blue and runs up your leg?

A homesick miscarriage.

Yo mama sooooooo fucking fat, when she takes a step, she needs a 5-min break.

Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? Because they don’t get homesick.

What constellation has no hair at all?

Cancer.

What do you call a fat person in a wheelchair?

A broken wheelchair.

"Doctor, I'm shrinking!"

"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

Mom, start eating, or else you will get fatter!

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.