Health jokes
What is a snake's favorite drug?
Adder-all.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
Girls are like bacteria. The toxic ones are everywhere, and you have to take special care of the good ones.
I love telling good news to my patients, like they survived the crash but their family died.
What did Omnicron say to Delta?
"Same race, bud, different evolution."
"SIX FEET AWAY, OMNI! SIX FEET AWAY!"
When you unplug the charger to charge your phone, but you realize it was plugged into your grandpa's life support:
Day 70 without sex, my doctor asked me, "Are you sexually active?" I said, "Why, what you tryna do?"
Why is it always cold in the hospital?
To keep the vegetables fresh.
What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?
Your mum.
A butt saw the toilet and said, "Shit, I'm sick!"
A handicapped person and an orphan get into a fight. The orphan says, "At least I have two functional legs." The handicapped person says, "At least I have two functional parents."
Why can’t an orphan take medicine?
They need parental supervision.
Your mom is so skinny, she eats Skinny Pop!
I bet when you were born, the doctor looked away because of your virginity.
Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"
Dogs can't operate MRI machines.
But cat scan!
Once my sister was a sister, now she's a blister.
"Float like a butternut, sting like a bee."
Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.