Health jokes
Why is it always cold in the hospital?
To keep the vegetables fresh.
What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?
Your mum.
A butt saw the toilet and said, "Shit, I'm sick!"
A handicapped person and an orphan get into a fight. The orphan says, "At least I have two functional legs." The handicapped person says, "At least I have two functional parents."
Why can’t an orphan take medicine?
They need parental supervision.
Your mom is so skinny, she eats Skinny Pop!
I bet when you were born, the doctor looked away because of your virginity.
Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"
Dogs can't operate MRI machines.
But cat scan!
Once my sister was a sister, now she's a blister.
"Float like a butternut, sting like a bee."
Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
I am always high, welcome to bipolar disorder. LMAO. (Don't bother to like or comment, I just had to say this.)
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
If girls are vegan, why do they suck dick?
Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.
Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.
Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Why are you sitting down to pee? I don't have a good back and can't lift something big.