*in the hospital*
Paralyzed kid: I'm out!
*walks out the room*
Blind kid: You can walk?!
Mute kid: You can see?!
Deaf kid: You can talk?!
Doctor: Wut the f**k?
Chuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated. Vaccines need to be Chuck Norrised.
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
What do people with cancer always want to watch?
"Finding Chemo."
Q: What do you say to a kid who threatens to beat you up?
A: We can always rearrange your liver 😏
What is it called when an art teacher has a heart attack?
An art attack!
I need a new butt. This one has a hole in it.
What is a pooper man called? A dentist.
Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?
Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."
By a tweaker with AIDS.
You have to have real balls to face prostate cancer.
Just not for long!
Yo momma so fat, her ankle broke and gravy poured out.
What did the kid with Parkinson's drink for breakfast?
Milkshake.
I never liked unnatural adult stars with implants and face surgeries because they look photoshopped, and they always need a ton of lube to get into due to how plastic they are.
Me: I broke me bum.
Dad: Oh, that is bad. I will get some Pooh in the toilet so I can heal your bum.
Attention to everyone, I'm not going to be on for 2 weeks because I was in a bike accident, or more like a motorcycle accident. I was ran off the road when my 16 year old brother was taking me for a ride. Now I can't use my legs cause, well, you know. I will be taking a break because I don't want to move my legs that much.
Which is the best sport at making fat people lose weight?
Canned hunting.
I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.
My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."
So I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
What's something the same about a depressed kid and a hanger? They both like to hang.
