Health jokes
What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................
When I get suicidal, everyone worries. I don't know why because that is when I'm the happiest, thinking about death.
Person: My left ear is ringing.
Friend: Then answer it!
What fell first, the feather or the depressed kid?
Q: The feather, the depressed kid is still up there.
I went to an emo kid who just got a haircut, and instead of saying, "Like your cut, G," I slapped his arm and said, "I like your cuts, G."
Why did Joe Biden go to the hospital? Because he couldn't stop Putin.
That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.
What do depression and suicide have in common?
Nothing, they're both hanging.
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?
"No."
Yeah, but then he woke up.
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
"Simon says touch your chin."
The fat people be like, "Which one?"
One day a son and his grandad were smoking.
Too bad only the sun was smoking. :)
What do my balls and emos have in common?
...Nothing, they both hang themselves...
A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.
So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
Jada Smith: Grow some balls!
Me: Grow some hair!
What does a beaten woman do when she comes home from the hospital?
Dishes if she knows what's good for her health.
Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.
Official orgasm donor.