Bob: What is the percent of people who are depressed?
Me: If you're only counting me, 100%.
Health Jokes
What do you call a flat-chested depressed person?
A cutting board.
The African kids' theme song is "Staying Alive."
I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.
Doctor: You should stop masturbating.
Me: Doc, I'm almost done.
What’s the worst part of a vegetable?
A wheelchair.
An orphan goes to a doctor.
Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."
Orphan: "But why?"
Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."
What part of a vegetable can’t you eat?
The wheelchair. 😑
If you were a fruit, you would be a fineapple.
If you were a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital.
Dear doctor,
I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?
Yours Truly, Ray Palp
My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.
When I found out that 10 billion bowls of soup are consumed each year in AMERICA, I thought to myself, "I thought soup was healthy. Apparently not!"
My friend's emo. I told her to play jump rope with me. She hanged herself. Lol.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
People say rape is bad. It is because I don't want STD and HIV.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair smoking weed?
A baked potato.
I'm sick of crying; tired of trying; yes, I'm still smiling; inside I'm dying.
God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"
You're an alcoholic!
If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.
