Health jokes

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

I thought you were just raising your eyebrow, but I checked the x-ray, and your skull shifted 128 degrees to the right.

Q: What is found deep inside of us, and the more we express our love for each other the more it spreads throughout the world?

A: Covid.

Aren't paraplegics just plegics who can fly?

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

What happens when you have a bladder infection? You're in trouble!

You're so skinny you use floss to wipe your butt.

They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

Have you met Bofa?

Bofa deez blind kids!

POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

You're so fat, when you step on a scale it says, "To be continued."

You’re so fat; if you go outside now, you’d be arrested for breaking social distancing guidelines.

I cannot believe no one's come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!

Whoever stole my anti-depression medications, I hope you're happy!

My BALLS itched when I crashed the plane.

What do you call someone with no legs?

Disabled.

Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.

Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.

Me: How do you know that?

Do you know what it takes to beat cancer?

Heartbeat.

Why do you never see a gay person in a wheelchair?

Because once you're a fruit, you can't be a vegetable.