Health jokes
POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.
Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.
When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"
I said, "I shit you not."
You're so fat, when you step on a scale it says, "To be continued."
You’re so fat; if you go outside now, you’d be arrested for breaking social distancing guidelines.
I cannot believe no one's come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Whoever stole my anti-depression medications, I hope you're happy!
My BALLS itched when I crashed the plane.
What do you call someone with no legs?
Disabled.
Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.
Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.
Me: How do you know that?
Do you know what it takes to beat cancer?
Heartbeat.
Why do you never see a gay person in a wheelchair?
Because once you're a fruit, you can't be a vegetable.
AUGH, oh sorry, I just got a third ball because of girls hitting my balls with a handball!
Why do I love a block? Because I can fall off the stairs.
I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and give her it so she can bleed more.
My joke is your life support getting unplugged because my phone is about to die.
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
What do my wife and dinner have in common? They are both vegetables.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!
Me: My therapist says I need those to live.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_
What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?
A fizzician.
Your hairline is so repulsive that my entire family got eye cancer from seeing it, and it goes so far back that you be looking like Vegeta.