Health jokes

Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.

What goes oOoOo on your breath that scared away the animals from the farm?

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

I thought you were just raising your eyebrow, but I checked the x-ray, and your skull shifted 128 degrees to the right.

Q: What is found deep inside of us, and the more we express our love for each other the more it spreads throughout the world?

A: Covid.

Aren't paraplegics just plegics who can fly?

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

What happens when you have a bladder infection? You're in trouble!

You're so skinny you use floss to wipe your butt.

They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

Have you met Bofa?

Bofa deez blind kids!

POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

You're so fat, when you step on a scale it says, "To be continued."

You’re so fat; if you go outside now, you’d be arrested for breaking social distancing guidelines.

I cannot believe no one's come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!

Whoever stole my anti-depression medications, I hope you're happy!

My BALLS itched when I crashed the plane.

What do you call someone with no legs?

Disabled.

Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.

Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.

Me: How do you know that?