Friend jokes
Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.
Man's friend: Same.
Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.
Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.
Man: Oh great heavens!
My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.
Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.
His parents weren't too happy.
Friend A: Do you like Wendy's?
Friend B: Yes, why?
Friend A: Wen-dez nuts in your mouth!
I noticed my friend's hairline yesterday. I could tell it was a Supercuts hair salon haircut, so how I could tell was 'cuz it was super alright, super lame.
Memes
What's the difference between friends and family?
One is actually real.
What do you call my friends?...
Short.
I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.
But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"
Your hair and your hairline must be best friends, 'cause they go waaaaay back!
Friend: Hi!
Me: Who are you?
Friend: ...your friend?
Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.
Food makers are proudly presenting human flesh-made foods. Donate your useless friends and family to us because we're saving lives.
T and C apply. This is only in the best shops in your town, or down the road, or in your country. 1 like = 1 family member donated 'cause we're saving lives😎😎
Why is jelly laughing a lot?
Because his friend goes nuts!
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
How do skyscrapers make friends?
They reach out.
I said I’m losing my mind. My friend said, “You didn’t have much to begin with.”
I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.
How can you tell your best friend is gay?
His meat tastes like shit.
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
What do you call a 5th grader with no friends?
Sandy Hook survivor.