Friend jokes
Why does the large dildo not have any friends?
He's a pain in the ass.
Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.
Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.
When my friend fell, I didn't crack up, but the sidewalk did.
What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.
My friend has a dry sense of humor.
Probably because her body was decomposed ages ago.
You say to your slow friend: "Damn, you're slower than Stephen Hawking!" And that takes some talent.
Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
When you ask your friend if he thinks lunch is good, but he says that he doesn't taste anything.
My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"
Why is the dog having KFC? Because the dog has no friends.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
What's wrong with my friend?
He's called Dobby Coleman and has a massive jaw.
Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.
Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-
Me: Lower lips.
Friend: I gotta go.
Me as a 5-year-old: How do you relate to the Twin Towers?
Friend: What?
Me: Every time I think of them, I feel sad.
If your sis makes you mad, so go to your friend's home to play.
If your sis is sad, go tell Mom.
Me: What do you call a group of retards?
Friend: Down town?
Me: Nope, target practice.
Why do asscheeks make great friends?
They always stick together!
Me and my friend are walking, we see a kid. My friend asks him why he's crying and if he lost his parents. He said, "Yeah." I slapped my friend because we were at an orphanage.
Q: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
A: To find Pooh!