Friend jokes

Clarissa is here with us.

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed."

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.

What did the Japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody?

"That is very Wong."

Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?

Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”

What's Daveon's favorite type of music? Daveon-core.

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

What do you call a 5th grader with no friends?

Sandy Hook survivor.

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.

What do you call my friends?...

Short.

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

Friend: Hi!

Me: Who are you?

Friend: ...your friend?

Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.

Your hair and your hairline must be best friends, 'cause they go waaaaay back!

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

What's the difference between friends and family?

One is actually real.