Friend jokes

My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."

Run, bestie, run!

Why can't an orphan be friends with Dom Toretto?

Dom doesn't have friends; he has "family."

My friend playing truth or dare asked me: "Dare".

My friends: "I dare you to go home."

My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

What’s the hardest part about being friends with a turtle?

Getting them to come out of their shell.

Who was Goldilocks' best friend?

Goldie.

Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?

Friend: Why?

Me: Because they don't have a mother or father's day.

Once my friend saw my wrist, slapped it and said "I like ya cuts, G!"

I just did a test to see who my soulmate is, and it said "best friend." So I guess I am gay. I think so, WTF.

My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.

I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."

Ahaha, I'm laughing because my friend is so black his mama killed the clown.

Friend A: "Why are you still a virgin, bro?"

Friend B: "I was until last night."

Friend A: "Nah, nah, who with?"

Friend B: "Your sister."

Friend A: "I don't have a sister."

Friend B: "Just wait 9 months, you'll see."

Hi my sweet friends! This is for everyone who needs help right now :)

To Tina: Hi, love, you're my oldest and dearest friend. I will love you for as long as I live. I luvv you so much, my sweetest, dearest darling.

Are you my friend?

Because I would make you more than that.

Hey Gwen, how are you? I'm a girl, btw...;)

My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."

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I'm sorry.

I would like to tell you the name of a song I showed to my friend who had an overdose of LSD.

I see a dreamer.