Friend jokes

What does the ocean do to its friends?

It waves.

(*Sorry I wasn't making any jokes for a while, I was getting sick of this thing.*)

My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.

Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?

Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.

Lol, I switched out my friend's leukemia medication for mercury.

Like and comment if you get it!

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.

She does not exist.

I did not want to join sailing, but my friend roped me into it.

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

Jerry Garcia: I’m going on a TRIP today!

Bob Weir: Where are you going?

Jerry Garcia: I’m already on it. 😯🦄🌈

Me: *Calls friend* "Dude, I just fell off a 50-foot ladder!"

Friend: "Bro, you ok?!"

Me: "Yeah, lucky I only fell off the first step!"

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

To Mr. Nice Guy, you are nice, sweet, and caring! I am so grateful to be your friend!

Are your forehead and hairline friends? 'Cause they go way back.

All my friends live in a forest. It's called Aokigahara.

Why are friends a lot like snow?

If you pee on them, they disappear.

My "friend" has dyslexia.

I can tell you used to be friends with your hairline, cuz it goes way back.

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.

We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.