Food jokes

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

How are Eggs Benedict and a blow job alike?

You can't get either one at home.

Beans, beans, beans. Say what? Say beans, beans, beans.

What happens when two pieces of bread from the same loaf have sex?

They become in-bread.

I can't stop thinking about those beans.

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

If there is a hair, the meat is ruined.

People often ask me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Well, I'd straight up put 5 hijackers on Flight 175 before it departed from Logan Airport at 8:14 a.m. on September 11, 2001.

Cause she loves to toss the salad even though she ain’t a chef!

She later made me a sandwich, and she cut the crust off it.

A girl named Ranch went to the store and stayed there. Why? Because she was ranched!

What happened when the 400+ women ate a slice of cake?

She died the next weekend.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion? I cry when I cut up onions.

What's the difference between babies and onions? I cry when I cut onions.

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

What is the difference between a small child and a watermelon?

One I eat on the daily and the other is a watermelon.

I talked to your doctor. He said you wasn’t going to make it because your stretch marks look like pieces of bacon.

Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they're all shellfish.

Why do bunnies like Bruno Mars? Because he got 24 carrots.

What do you call a guy with a big dick that likes to eat fish?

Long John Silvers or Captain D's.