Finance jokes

Marriage is like buying a car. You see one that you like and then you buy it. But over the years, it gets older, rusty, and certain parts stop working.

Then you walk into a dealership and look at all the new ones and you're still stuck with the old one. You look over and go, "But I just wanna sit in it. Just once. It's even got leather interior, it's chrome, it doesn't even have oil or gas leaks! And it doesn't squeak!"

Lil Johnny went to school and said, "Teacher, if you let me poop my pants, I will let you have my dad and his money. Will you do it, Mrs. Johnson?"

You might be innocent, but if you carry a large sum of cash in public, the cops won’t believe that.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

If you are poor, get money.

You're so poor not even Dollar Tree has your prices.

I saw a poor man and I gave him money, and he said, "Nope, I don't need money." So I gave him money, and he punched me for no reason.

Once I was riding my bike and saw a $5. I jumped off and died.

I gun give money.

You are so fat you were able to occupy Wall Street all by yourself.

My roasts aren't funny. At least this shit gets me money.

"Does this make any cents?" a man says.

"Oh, it does make cents," me. <-- thing: Lemin"aid" <-- another joke.

Clear all your debts with one easy payment. Buy a shotgun and blow your head off.

A man gave me 1 dollar that was ripped and laughed away. I wonder why he did that.

He did that on purpose to trick me, then I met him in the threes.

A: Guess what kind of men/women do gold diggers like?

Q: One that has a sense of money.

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

My friend lives in a caravan park. His parents named him Money because they thought it was a type of currency.

Yaxaas?

They call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me poor and ugly.

How do you know if a rapper's broke?

When he starts dropping cents instead of bars.