Finance jokes

Why do you pay cash for the metro train in Newcastle upon Tyne?

If I had a loonie for every degree I have, I wouldn't have a loonie.

What's the similarity between your money and your life?

It just keeps going down.

I can make a living with the "Treat Yo self" budget.

Yet I can’t use the "Help yo self" budget.

I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.

So people call me poor until they see my bank account.

I was digging in a garden once and found a chest full of gold. I wanted to show my wife, but then I thought about why I was digging in the first place.

Roses are red, violets are blue, in the middle of the day, give me money, you!

When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"

He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"

I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.

"Being broke is a disease, stay the fuck away from me."

But he could only get 1 trade.

What is a tree that does not exist?

A money tree.

Marriage is like buying a car. You see one that you like and then you buy it. But over the years, it gets older, rusty, and certain parts stop working.

Then you walk into a dealership and look at all the new ones and you're still stuck with the old one. You look over and go, "But I just wanna sit in it. Just once. It's even got leather interior, it's chrome, it doesn't even have oil or gas leaks! And it doesn't squeak!"

Lil Johnny went to school and said, "Teacher, if you let me poop my pants, I will let you have my dad and his money. Will you do it, Mrs. Johnson?"

You might be innocent, but if you carry a large sum of cash in public, the cops won’t believe that.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

If you are poor, get money.

You're so poor not even Dollar Tree has your prices.

I saw a poor man and I gave him money, and he said, "Nope, I don't need money." So I gave him money, and he punched me for no reason.

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

How do you know if a rapper's broke?

When he starts dropping cents instead of bars.