Finance jokes

If I had a loonie for every degree I have, I wouldn't have a loonie.

"Being broke is a disease, stay the fuck away from me."

But he could only get 1 trade.

Why do you pay cash for the metro train in Newcastle upon Tyne?

What is a tree that does not exist?

A money tree.

Marriage is like buying a car. You see one that you like and then you buy it. But over the years, it gets older, rusty, and certain parts stop working.

Then you walk into a dealership and look at all the new ones and you're still stuck with the old one. You look over and go, "But I just wanna sit in it. Just once. It's even got leather interior, it's chrome, it doesn't even have oil or gas leaks! And it doesn't squeak!"

Lil Johnny went to school and said, "Teacher, if you let me poop my pants, I will let you have my dad and his money. Will you do it, Mrs. Johnson?"

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

You might be innocent, but if you carry a large sum of cash in public, the cops won’t believe that.

If you are poor, get money.

You're so poor not even Dollar Tree has your prices.

I saw a poor man and I gave him money, and he said, "Nope, I don't need money." So I gave him money, and he punched me for no reason.

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

Once I was riding my bike and saw a $5. I jumped off and died.

They call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me poor and ugly.

How do you know if a rapper's broke?

When he starts dropping cents instead of bars.

My friend lives in a caravan park. His parents named him Money because they thought it was a type of currency.

"Does this make any cents?" a man says.

"Oh, it does make cents," me. <-- thing: Lemin"aid" <-- another joke.

I gun give money.

You are so fat you were able to occupy Wall Street all by yourself.