Finance jokes

What did the tree do when the bank closed?

It started its own branch.

Yaxaas?

You must be rich! You've got all the cashews.

What is the richest kind of air?

A millionaire.

I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.

People dream about having a lot of money, but the only thing you should be dreaming about is a hairline.

Your hairline be lookin' like my negative bank account balance -1,000,000.

A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"

"Six pounds."

"And shaving?"

"Three pounds."

"Good, then shave my head."

A man is dating three women and has to choose which one he'll marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first woman does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits to look sexy for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money... Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."

A: Guess what kind of men/women do gold diggers like?

Q: One that has a sense of money.

Yo mama so fat, when she decides to workout, the stock market goes bankrupt.

You are so fat you were able to occupy Wall Street all by yourself.

Inflation is so bad, McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

money + money = MONEY

So last night I went on a taxi and I showed them your photo. All they said was I could ride him, it would be expensive though, since from his eyebrows to hairline is at least £100.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

Why did the black lady give the IRS a mason jar full of watermelon seeds?

Tax credit.