Finance jokes
Q: What do you call a Chinese billionaire?
A: Cha-Ching!
Where do fishes keep their money?
In a riverbank.
Yoo! I found a $100 bill, found a child who said they lost their $100 bill. Gave them $25.
When God gives you glory, you give it back.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50, that fuckin' whore.
What do you call a Chinese rich man? Cha-ching!
Child abortion is like tax evasion: the more you lose, the less problems you have.
I was in the bank one day, and this old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"
Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.
The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."
What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?
I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.
The trip from your eyebrow to your hairline costs $6000.
My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.
Weird, he usually uses a sock.
Why can orphans not grow big and strong? Because they need a parent to buy them steroids.
What is money called in space?
Star bucks.
What do you call a rich Asian?
Cha-ching!
When a person asked to see her balance at a bank, they pushed him over.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A man with 20 dollars walked into Dave & Buster's. He went to the bathroom to wash his hands. He walked out without any clothes but still has his money.
What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?
-"I want my quarterback."
So, three guys are walking down the street together and decide to go rob a bank.
The first one goes for the richest man in the city’s vault but can’t open it easily and is caught and sent to death in jail for robbing the richest man.
The second one goes for his uncle's vault because screw that son of a b***h; he’s rich, why does he need all the money? But his uncle was unfortunately at the vault that day and snapped his nephew's neck.
The third one went for his ex’s vault and thought, “Well, that b***h can suck my d**k; she’s so poor anyway, who would care if I take all her money so she dies of hunger and dehydration and homelessness?” So he managed to get into her vault easily because it wasn’t heavily locked and took all her money. The next day, the third guy's ex showed up to his house and said, “I’m gonna f*****g murder you,” so she shot him dead and got her money from his house.
In hell, the three guys see each other and explain what happened. The third guy did and then asked, “You know, I don’t get it. If the richest guys are heavily guarded but already have so much money in their house, why does it need to be heavily guarded? I don’t understand why the poorer aren’t heavily guarded when they are so poor they need the money.” And the first guy said, “B***h, I don’t know, maybe the bank tellers think poor people should suck it and just die already.”
I fucked your mom, that's why I've been paying your life support since you were born.