Family jokes

What is it called when the gynecologist slanders your grandfather?

A pap smear.

Batman: I’m vengeance.

Dad: Hi Vengeance, I’m dad.

Batman: ...

Dad: Son, it’s been 20 years, please let go.

Why can’t orphans eat breakfast? Because there is no parent to feed them.

I found your parent!

My dad is so good at hiding, even the FBI can't find him.

I worry about him sometimes.

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.

What's the difference between me and an orphan?

At least my dad came back.

Me: What do you call an orphan?

Friend: Homeless.

Your momma is so ugly, the director thought she was a real zombie.

I don't got free candy. It costs child support.

A young boy asked his Dad, "Was it true that we come from a Stork?"

Dad said, "It is, Son."

Son says, "Who fucks a Stork?"

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple always gets picked!

Why don't orphans learn about ancient Egypt? They don't know what mummies are.

What’s the difference between a mistake and an orphan?

At least the mistake was loved.

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

What's the difference between cotton and an orphan?

Cotton gets picked.

What do youuuuuuuuuuu Oh f***, my mom is gonna kill me! My shit is stuck on the toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.

Why does an orphan like The Beatles? Because it's family friendly.

My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.

She said help, so I kicked her.