Family jokes
Q: What do you call a virgin from Alabama?
A: An orphan.
Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?
Kid: Why?
Man: 'Cause they have a family plan.
Kid: Oh, then I need to switch phone services then.
Man: Why?
Kid: I'm an orphan.
Man: *laughs out loud* That's tough!
(You can tell the joke shortened by saying, "Why can't an orphan use Verizon? 'Cause they have a family plan.")
My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.
Your momma! OHHHHH!
Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.
Mom: Did you finish your homework?
Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.
Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.
Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!
Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.
Son: That was cruel!
How do Asian people name their children?
They throw a pan down the stairs.
What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.
"Tibia" honestly, I think the reason I’m "bonely" is because you guys don’t find my jokes "humerus."
Maybe if I played the trombone it would get people’s attention, but "tibia" honest I can’t be bothered, so just look at my "BONE-zai" tree, although my brother doesn’t really like that one, so how about a "S-pine" tree?
Why was the rapper always late?
Because he had to drop his kids off at the Rhyme Bus.
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
When we take a family photo, you are the background.
I said, "Are you half left or half right?"
"Neither! In-between."
"What?! In between your mom's tits when you go to sleep with her at night?"
Your mom was absolutely getting drilled by me on the living room floor last night.
Why can't the orphan take a family photo?
Answer: The orphan has no family to take a picture with.
What shows do orphans dream of?
Full House or Fuller House.
Once you've had the mother,
Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.
My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.
Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?
Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.
Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?
What's an orphan's least favorite T.V. show?
Family Guy.
If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.