Family jokes
Why are most dark jokes about orphans?
They can't complain to their parents.
Me: You have terrible jokes.
Mum: Shows me a mirror.
Yesterday, I tickled my granddaughter's feet.
She is being born in 2 months.
Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.
An orphan walks into a science lab. The lead scientist greets him and takes him to a DNA testing station. After some procedures, the results come back:
"UNKNOWN"
What are two plus sides to being an orphan?
1. All your snacks are family sized.
2. No one can make jokes about your mama.
What do orphans and TVs have in common?
At least one of them has a home.
I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.
And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."
Why can’t orphans win trophies?
Because they can’t take them home.
What is the difference between an orphan and a mailman?
The mailman goes home at the end of the day.
My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
They can't find home base.
Guy: Hey, Siri, I failed my final exams, can you cheer me up?
Siri: What’s the difference between you and your grandma? Your grandma passed!
Orphan: Help, I'm lost.
Someone: Wears your parents.
Orphan: >:(
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Do not start that shit again!"
What is the difference between an Orphan and an apple?
Apples get picked.
Why do orphans hate school? Because of homework.
Alabama's saying: It's not cheating if we’re all siblings.
What did the kid say to the orphan?
"Well, at least I have parents!"
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.