Family jokes

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.

While I was waiting for your mum to waddle past, I missed a whole season of my TV show!

I saw a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at the orphanage!

Friend: Hi.

Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?

Friend: Me?

Me: Damn, no, not you.

Friend: Then who?

Me: The orphan kid.

I guess we're the same.

My bad, but you stink so bad you passed by a trashcan and it yelled, "Wow! I didn't know I had family!"

When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because I can’t hit a home run. 💀💀💀

Yo mama so nasty, she gave yo daddy head, then gave you a kiss good night.

My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.

Orphan: Can I come over?

Girl: Yeah, but you have to bring your parents.

An orphan can’t ever play Grand Theft Auto V because he can’t get a wanted level.

I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To slide into your mom's bed.

Where can you find the most dads?

Milk Island.

You're so fat when you told your mum and dad, even they laughed!

Mom: Do I look fat in my dress?

Child: Nah... you look fat in every dress!

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu?

One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.

Your dad is Spider-Man because he’s far from home.