Family jokes

Yo mama is so fat, it takes two warlocks to summon her.

What do frogs wear for shoes? Open toad.

What does your mom say to you? "Love you, moody."

Why do orphans hate apples?

Because they get picked over.

What did an orphan say to its father?

Nothing.

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

I would invite you to play baseball, but there's no home for you to run to.

What did the parents rearrange the furniture to punish a child?

Guess he was a stupid blind motherfucker 🖕 that didn't even know how to use a cane to figure out where they put the furniture.

Why do emo kids sneak up on their Vietnamese grandfathers? Because they hope the war experience kicks in.

What’s the difference between a child who is home alone and an orphan?

They’re both alone, but only one is home.

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

Why was the orphan stupid?

Because his parents couldn't guide him.

What do you call a dude that is always high and gets higher than everyone else in the family? The alpha pothead!

What do you call an orphan with parents?

I don't know... what?

Kidnapped. :)

What do you call a mom that can’t draw? Tracy.

Father: "I don't trust you. You poured your seed in my daughter's belly."

Son: "But Paah, you can't fire me."

Father: "You're lucky you're my brother too, or I'd kill you."

Your nan.

One day this kid says to his dad, "Dad, they bully me at school."

His dad asks why, and the kid says, "They bully me because I got no hands."

Then his dad says, "Who would do such a thing like that? I want to know who they are. Point at them!"

What does the man say about his baby sister Lydia? "I hope she electrocutes herself!"