Family jokes

Your mom disrespected your dad when he saw your face.

What do orphans and apples not have in common... The apples get picked up.

What do you call Moby Dick's dad?

Papa Boner.

Why can't orphanages play baseball?

Because there's no home to go to.

What do they call Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson's son? The Pebble.

Why don't orphans have iPhones?

Because they don't have a home button.

Why do orphans not use iPhones?

Because they don't have a home button.

"There is no way you can fit in there."

"Says who?"

"Your mom."

"When?"

"Last night."

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?

"One man's trash is another man's treasure."

It's a wonderful phrase, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.

Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.

I traveled through time to get my dad back.

I failed because I was 1e21 years off.

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

We recently found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than grandpa.

Guess whose parents didn't survive?

Liv's parents.

Your eyebrows run away like your dad.

Your hairline goes even further back than the last time your parents said "I love you."

Yo mama so ugly when she looked in the mirror, her reflection threw up and ran away.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

Yo mama is so strict that in The Outsiders, she was Darry.