Family jokes
Me: *watching TV*
Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!
Me: Really?
Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him.
How are orphans like Spider-Man?
No way home.
What is the difference between apples and orphans?
The apples get picked.
If you punch an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents?
Wouldn’t the person be dead before the strangling starts? Unless Alastor did surgery?
I'm an orphan, so kidnap me.
Why are orphans called orphans?
'Cause they're gay.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
What are the similarities of an orphan and a water fountain?
They both sprout water.
What is the difference between an Apple and an orphan?
The apples get picked.
Police: Come with me, I’m taking you home.
Orphan: Well, we need to find them first.
Police: Then I don’t need to take you home.
What is the difference between fruits and Orphans?
Fruits get picked.
Mother: How is my little cookie doing?
Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.
Mother: Really?
Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.
Mother: 😁♥️🍪
My sister said download "Among Us" on my iPad, so I did. Then she taught me to play. Then she told me a code and told me where to put it, and I typed in the code.
Then she was the imposter, and I was a crewmate, so I was sticking with her, and she killed me when we made it to the medbay.
What is an orphan's favorite song?
"Home."
Little Johnny went to school and right before class started, he pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." After that, his teacher told him to put on his pants and go to the office. The principal asked him what he did, so he pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." Then the principal called his mom. The mom got there and took little Johnny home.
They got in the car, and his mother asked, "Johnny, what did you do this time?" So Johnny pulled his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." Once they got home, his dad was off work and heard that Johnny was coming home early from school. Once again he asked Johnny what he did. Johnny pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." After that, his dad was surprised, so his dad pulled down his pants and said, "Big whale, big whale."
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be wanted.
Me: *in a family meeting*
Mom: Ok guys...
Me in my mind: BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA
What do parents and dark humor have in common? Some get it, and some don't.
Why can’t orphanage kids play baseball?
Cause they don’t know where home is.