Family jokes
Why is one brain cell kinda like finding your dad?
Because there's a one in a billion chance of finding them.
My sister was getting something from the basement, and seeing rats, she said: "Rats are so disgusting and ugly."
I turned to her, "Sis, self-hate is not okay."
My field trip at school earlier:
Little Timmy (angrily): "I WANT MY IPAD!"
Ms. Melina: "We can have it at school if you turn your day around."
Little Timmy: "BUT I WANT IT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"
Ms. Melina: "But we're heading back to school."
Little Timmy: "B**TCH, I HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING HOME!"
Little Timmy *starts banging the bus window*
Little Timmy: "THAT’S IT, I F**KING HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING TO CANADA!"
Ms. Melina: "TIMMY, STOP IT! THE SCHOOL IS GONNA MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT WINDOW IF YOU BREAK IT!"
Me: "Let’s just tell his family to move to Shadow Bay anyways because Red Oaks would be so f**king good for him."
*Window breaks*
Ms. Melina: "STOP THAT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"
Little Timmy: "BUT JEFFY AND JUNIOR ARE PICKING ME UP AND TAKING ME TO F**KING CANADA RIGHT NOW! LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE!"
Ms. Melina: "THAT’S IT TIMMY, YOU'RE SO F**KING BUSTED! I’M CALLING MS. ALEJANDRA RIGHT NOW!"
The end.
Child: Dad, I want you to say "I'm a Man" after everything I say!
Dad: Uh, okay?
Child: My wife cheated on me.
Dad: I'm a man.
Child: So I went to the bar.
Dad: I'm a man.
Child: I met a hot girl.
Dad: I'm a man.
Child: So I brought her home.
Dad: I'm a man.
Child: After sleeping together, she woke up, faced me and said...
Dad: I'm a man.
My sister asked me, "Brother, how do babies come into the world?" Then my mom said, "Be quiet and fuck your brother, darling."
Is that the answer?
Why are orphans so bad at playing poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
Pretend you're an orphan and I'm telling you a joke:
Your mom.
I showed my family a few Charlie Kirk debates.
They called him a pain in the neck.
OK, bye.
Why can't an orphan ever play baseball?
Because they never found home.
If an orphan gets a girlfriend, they finally have someone to love them.
How do you know an orphan is telling the truth?
When they swear on their mother's grave!
Yo momma so ugly, your grandma wanted to name her Abomination, but the registries agent changed it.
Why do Black people go to church so much?
Because the priest is the only father they know.
I made a website for orphans.
It's all about parents who want children near their location.
I put my uncle's ashes in my Taco Bell so he could tear my ass up one more time.
What do you call an orphan being kidnapped?
A surprise adoption!!
What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.
Their family portrait is also a dating app.
There are two sexes: one with your mother and the other with you.
Yo mama is so nasty that she sucked your dad's dick and came in to kiss you goodnight.