Doesnt jokes
So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
Why is prostitution illegal?
Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.
It's not rape if she doesn't say no.
Two options: - Chloroform. - Duct Tape.
Why doesn't a skeleton dance? Because he had no body to dance with. Lol, Sans.
Chuck Norris doesn't zoom out; everything moves backwards.
Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.
P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?
P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?
P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).
P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*
What bird doesn’t need a comb?
Bald eagles.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated. Vaccines need to be Chuck Norrised.
What sucks but doesn't suck?
Vacuums!
Just because she weighed as much as two women... Doesn't mean you had a threesome.
They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!
What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate?
A liar.
It's funny how you feel so alone with depression, and yet once you tell people on some random website, so many people relate. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop the loneliness.
I was sitting in math class, and our teacher doesn't like it if we don't work on math in his class. So, I did science homework on top of a math book.
Q. What do you call a person with Alzheimer's?
It doesn't matter. They'll forget what you said in thirty seconds anyway.
Why is sucking cock inside the confessional booth the only thing that a catholic priest doesn't have to give up for lent?
Because catholic priests don't have to be vegetarians during lent.
Why do orphans always have the newest iPhone?
Because it doesn’t have a home button.
What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic cabin have in common? The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.