Doctor jokes
You know your doctor is gay when he asks you to touch your toes, and then you feel a rub on your back and a tickle on your anus.
What do you call a rapper who’s also a DOCTOR?
MC Healer.
What was the doctor's diagnosis on a dinosaur with a low sex drive? Teraerectile dysfunction.
So what is the difference between a real doctor and a doctor of philosophy?
One cures the sick and the other makes them sick!
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.
I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." I said, "Capricorn." He said, "Nah, you got cancer."
Dr. Brody: Sir, your son has a disease called boofa.
Dad: What's boofa?
Dr. Brody: Both of these nuts in your mouth.
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
What's the best haircut?
Chemotherapy.
Who is the first person an orphan sees? The doctor.
The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."
It ain't always having erectile dysfunction, but it sure as hell ain't hard.
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"
Why did the doctor tell the man to go for a mountain walk?
Alps clear the mind! Haha.
Why was the North Tower a bad doctor when the South Tower collapsed?
Because the North Tower didn’t do CPR.
Today was like every other day. It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary. I fear these feelings will never end. I’ll always feel so dark, feel so hopeless. Sometimes all I want is for it to end. For all of it to end, for all of my thoughts to end. I despise the way that always comes to mind. But I feel so lost, feel so hopeless. If something would just work. But nothing has worked. Nothing can fix this. These feelings will pass. These days won't feel so endless... or so absolutely heavy. Just give it some time. Just give it some hope... and some belief. The ‘happy pills’ will work. The doctor says they'll help... they'll help it go away. Just dump the pill in your hand. Let yourself place the little white thing on your tongue... Let yourself throw your head back and swallow. It'll make this better. It should make me feel better.
Everything has changed! The world is so bright— The world is so loud! I don’t know how I never noticed! The sun is so warm— The grass is so green! I feel so awake! I feel so content— I feel so happy! It’s so strange! I’m not anxious— I’m not overthinking! I guess those pills really worked! I think I’m really getting better— I think I’m really going to be happy!
Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"
Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."
What’s the most common name for cancer patients?
Luke (leukemia)