Doctor Jokes

What is a similiarity between priests and doctors?

They both have fetishes for their professions

Why did Daveon go to the doctor? Because he was feeling 'daveon' in the dumps.

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia? The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

Daveon says "Oh wow, she's so beautiful." The doctor then says. "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states "Give me the one my wife made then!"

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating." The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!" The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

Police officers hope you’re a criminal. Doctors hope you get sick. Mechanics hope you get car troubles. But only thieves wish you prosperity. Weird?

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery...

Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady apparently it’s “harassment!”

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly I took one shot puffed through my pipe and jumped in the air on a trampoline I woke up in heaven. I asked an angel how did I die you? "Well little monkey you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head your mom called the doctor and doctor said you were dead.

John pretended to be a doctor. Motu came to him. He said "I lost my hunger". John brought some samosas for his lunch. Motu ate them. John said "Your hunger is back!" Then,Motu said "I lost my taste." John said "Number 1,bring some water." Motu drank it and said "This is petrol!" John said "Your taste is back!" Motu said "I lost my memory." John said "Number 1, bring some medicine." Motu said "But Number 1 brought water." John said "Your memory is back!"

Why can't orphans play baseball, they don’t know where home is

I made a website for orphans, but it doesn't have a home page

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away. Orphan: But why? Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor Why do orphans like boomerangs, cause they come back

Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be Wanted. Girls are like rocks the flat ones get skipped

What an orphans least favorite tv show, Family Guy

If you hit an orphan what are they going to do tell their parents

If you hit an orphan with a car at least you don't have to tell their parents

Why did the orphan go to church? So he had someone to call Father What does a orphan call a family photo, a selfie Why was the orphan a big success, cause people say go big or go home he only had one option Why is it ok to hit an orphan? It’s not like they can tell their parents.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite store? Home Depot.

What do orphans and blind kids have in common, the can’t see their parents

Why can't orphans hear about ancient Egypt, because they don’t know what a mummy is

Why are orphans bad at poker, because they don't know what a full house is

What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.

My boss doctor said that we are getting a surgent coming in tomorrow im super excited to work with him the next day we had to do our first ever open hart surgery so me and the surgeon spent many hours on this patient so we finished the surgery and went out side for a smoke and we were talking I said why did you keep the patients blood on your glove? He replied we in my free time I test it for anything diseases HIV the next day I got invited to his house and we had some drinks I said this is amazing red tea what is in it just the 2000 people you have cut opened .

So anyway, this old guy goes to the doctors. The doctor says "It's bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimers". The old guy replies "At least I've not got cancer".

A guy goes in to get some tests done, the doctor comes out and says "I got good news and bad news." The guy says "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says "The tests cam back positive, you got 2 weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin her."

Why did the monkey 🐒 take his banana 🍌 to the doctor 👩‍⚕️?

Because it wasn’t peeling good.

imagine this senario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "you have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc" and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.