Doctor jokes

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"

Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.

Doctor: I see your point!

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.

Doctor, what is wrong with me?

You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.

Why did the house go to the doctor?

Because it had a window pane.

Why did Daveon go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling "Daveon" in the dumps.

Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"

Yo mama is so fat when she goes to the dentist, they make her lay face down.

The only doctor you have is Doctor Pepper.

Is their [there] a doctor anywhere?

My mom has a few problems & those problems is [are] that my mom has big tits, fat ass & sweet pussy that needs attention. Help anyone.

Friend: Hi!

Me: Who are you?

Friend: ...your friend?

Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.