Doctor jokes
The only doctor you have is Doctor Pepper.
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
Friend: Hi!
Me: Who are you?
Friend: ...your friend?
Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
Because it had a window pane.
Why was the North Tower a bad doctor when the South Tower collapsed?
Because the North Tower didn’t do CPR.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
What is a similarity between priests and doctors?
They both have fetishes for their professions.
Why can't Oregon go to the doctor?
Because they need parents' signature.
I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.
Doctor: Oh, I see.
Me: Ahhhh!!!!!
A few years ago I had a brush with cancer...
All of the bristles fell out!
When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.
I said that I have been ill.
My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.
What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.
Doctor: You should stop masturbating.
Me: Doc, I'm almost done.
A man walks into a doctor's office, naked and wrapped in Glad Wrap.
The doctor replies with: "I can clearly see your nuts."
A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.