Doctor jokes

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.

A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Why can't Oregon go to the doctor?

Because they need parents' signature.

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

A few years ago I had a brush with cancer...

All of the bristles fell out!

A man walks into a doctor's office, naked and wrapped in Glad Wrap.

The doctor replies with: "I can clearly see your nuts."

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"

Doctor, what is wrong with me?

You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.

Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.

Doctor: I see your point!

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

What does a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

Wet noses.

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."